Chasing My Blessings

Owen drew a picture last week, and when he finished he walked out into the living room and looked up at Bill's urn and said, "I drew this picture for daddy, but it won't fit inside his box." This. SUCKS. And this is why medication is necessary at this point. I'm pretty sure my heart fell straight out of my body. What's left of it anyway. Landon has been breaking down more often. I guess that's a good thing, but it literally comes out of no where. Like the other night, after he was done practicing piano he came out of the office in hysterics. I was upstairs folding laundry, because, where else would I be?? I thought he was hurt he was carrying on so much. I ran downstairs, expecting to see blood all over the place and when my initial assessment warranted no ER visit I tried to make out what he was saying. I finally got him to calm down enough to where I could understand him and he just kept yelling, "I want daddy! I want my daddy!" He sobb...

We've made it most of the way through our first fall without him. The kids are doing well in school, all happily adjusted and performing well on their classwork. Cyclocross season has come to a close, Owen turned four, and we took our first family photos as a family of four, not five. Halloween was a hit, as always. My kids generally start getting anxious with anticipation for Halloween around April, and this year was no different even given our current circumstances. I even got involved in the Halloween festivities. I went to a costume party without a date. We hosted Bill's entire family for the week of Thanksgiving and we decorated the house for the holidays. I managed to make it through all of this and not completely lose my mind. Thank you Prozac. Shopping for holiday cards was a challenge. There didn't seem to be one that fit my mood. They all seemed to scream, "Joy!," "We're So Happy!," or "2016 Was So Awesome!" There weren...

I was sitting on the staircase tonight waiting for Blake to brush his teeth before I tucked him in to bed. As I sat there staring at the bookshelf, my eyes fixated upon this metal sculpture we have of a person riding a bicycle. I had a flashback of a picture of it that Bill had taken right after we unpacked all of our stuff after our move out here from California. He captioned it something like, "The Only Thing that Broke During the Move." It was literally the only thing that had gotten damaged during the 3 day trek out here. The person's head had broken off at the neck, so of course Bill did what any engineer would do and grabbed his epoxy and glued it back together. I immediately felt sick to my stomach and had to stop myself from retching. Was that a sign? A foreshadowing of things to come? I certainly hope not, but I also cannot ignore the coincidence. For almost the entire year before his death I had an overwhelming sense of anxiety and at times, dread. I had nev...

Dear Bill, Fourteen years ago, you asked me to marry you. It was a pretty amazing night and I was really blown away. I knew it was coming, I mean after dating for 7 years one has to expect it. It was either that or I was getting let go really gently. I'm still in awe of all the effort you went to. You actually took the day off work! That alone was a shock. And then to think you spend much of the day in preparation for the evening. We were so excited about the future. And it was pretty damn great. Although too short lived, and I'm sure you'd agree with me on that. For someone who was the very definition of a "planner," I'm guessing this was not in your foresight. Here I sit fourteen years later. Alone. A widow. How did we get here? One minute you were putting on sunblock in the mudroom talking to me and the next time I saw you was 3 days later. At the mortuary. Lying in a casket fully clad in the cycling kit I had them dress you in. Like you had ...

Dear Bill, I bought a cyclocross bike. I can't decide if you would be excited about this, or just annoyed since I never really wanted one when you were alive. Well, someone has to take our kids to the bike park now, so I guess that's me. Honestly though, it's been a lot of fun and your friends have even taken me out on some rides on the dirt roads around here. The kids have enjoyed me taking them out and I've had fun with them. We miss you like crazy, and I so wish you were here to do things like this with us. I feel guilty that I get to be here with the kids and you don't. I'm really having a hard time adjusting to this new life. I feel like I'm stuck in the present moment while the world just keeps going. I cannot, at this point, fathom a future and the past seems quite honestly, like an entirely other lifetime. I still feel numb most of the time. My body can't figure how register any true feelings, except all this heavy grief. Lately I've been...

NOTHING about the last 3 months has been easy. I have been doing paperwork for three solid months. No joke. Insurance forms, victim's advocate paperwork, getting any and all accounts switched over into my name, more insurance paperwork, survivor benefits paperwork, refinancing the house. It has really been non-stop. A couple of weeks ago I got a letter in the mail stating that I needed to provide the life insurance company with a copy of the police report and the toxicology screen from the autopsy report in order to be awarded an additional accidental death policy. Because apparently the official signed copy of the death certificate saying how he died, and that it was in fact accidental, is not good enough. Never mind the fact that the death certificate is sealed and signed ONLY when all of the results from the autopsy are back and the cause of death on the certificate is BASED ON WHAT THE AUTOPSY RESULTS SAY. So off I went to the coroner's office. Can I just tell you how a...

Dear Bill, You think you have your whole life figured out, and then tragedy strikes. You made the grades to earn the degrees to get the dream jobs. You marry your high school sweetheart and have three beautiful kids together. You live in your dream home in your dream location, and you make some really amazing friends and have the best family anyone could ask for. You love your life and live it pretty damn full and really think you've finally made it. You've hit that sweet spot where you don't feel like you are constantly climbing to get to somewhere better. You are there. You just work to maintain it all, but are able to relax about things a little more and have more fun. Life is pretty damn great. You are living the dream. And then a 24-year old, who thinks that her agenda of getting drunk and high is more important than all that, turns that dream into a nightmare. Suddenly the things that mattered to you before don't matter as much now, at least not in the sam...

Let's talk for a minute about PTSD and it's partners, anxiety and depression. It is relentless. It is all consuming. It is horrifying. It is exhausting. It holds a grip so tight, you have trouble catching your breath. It causes frequent panic attacks. I have the last seconds of my husband's life on constant reply in my mind. Even if I'm not actively thinking about it, it's there in my subconscious. I wasn't even there to witness his last moments, but I have pieced together the details from what I have been told from the witnesses, his riding buddy, and those who were present in court the day they went over all of the evidence. I have flashbacks of the text I received from a friend of his when I first learned there had been an accident. I am so tired, but I don't want to go to bed at night. It's cold and empty and my thoughts run wild. I have difficulty falling asleep and I wake up every 3-4 hours. I have terrible nightmares, that don't really ...

Dear Bill, Blake had his first cyclocross race last weekend. He was so brave. You would have been so proud. It was so hard not having you there. Not having you to take him on his warm-up ride or coach him through his race strategy. Not being able to watch you race. I miss that. You had so much passion for the sport. I know you were there in spirit, but that isn't enough. That's not how it should be. Your friends all came out to support Blake, and in the end, it was really me who benefited from having them there. It was so heartwarming to have them there, running all over the course cheering him on, just like you would have done. I could hear your voice in my head, yelling for him. The course was long and challenging, especially for the kids. Watching him climb the 5280 steps was really something. That is a challenging feat for an adult, but for a kid who only weighs 57 pounds to have to run up them carrying a bike that weighs at least 10 pounds is pretty amazing to watch....

Dear Bill, I am so sorry this happened to you. I miss you so much. I can't stand the thought of having to do this life without you. I am so sad and angry for what that girl took away from you. From us. I would give anything to go back to that afternoon and tell you not to go for that ride. But how could we have known? I never worried about you before, so why would that day have been any different? I want you to know that you were the best thing that ever happened to me. My life could have been so different, and I'm so glad it wasn't. I am so glad you picked me. You gave me everything, and more, than I ever wanted. I could never thank you enough. You loved me even at my worst times. You made me a mother to the three most wonderful boys. I hope I was able to give you all that you gave to me. The community is outraged over this. How could this happen to someone so wonderful? Someone who gave everything his all. Someone so many looked up to. We are all so sad. Our friends...

I traveled to California last week for a couple of days. About a month after Bill died,  Every time I acknowledge it, it feels like someone is ripping my heart out. This is real right? ...a good friend from California offered to buy me a plane ticket and take me to a Dave Matthews concert. Who's going to say no to Dave? I was apprehensive, but agreed knowing it was something I needed to do. I didn't really understand how difficult it would be until I got there. I got the kids all squared away with my aunt and the graduate student/nanny that lives with us. I knew they would be in good hands, and Lord knows I left them enough instructions to get them through more than just the 48hours I would be gone for. I managed to get parked and zip through security in record time. It's amazing how quickly that goes when you don't have children in tow and you aren't checking bags. While sitting in the terminal waiting for my flight I had a minor panic attack and I started cr...

This is the eulogy I read at Bill's memorial service... I read something the other day that made me laugh, which I’m not doing much of lately. It was something to the effect of, “Wednesday we will lay our friend Bill to rest…” Let me be clear about this, that man is not lying or resting ANYWHERE. He didn’t know how to do that. I can assure you he is tearing up the roads out there somewhere on his bicycle. Thank you all so much for being here today and for your tremendous outpouring of love and support. Bill was so loved and respected by so many people. This has just been the most horrific thing to go through, and it has been so helpful to have all of you rallying around us, getting us through it all. There is a famous Dr. Suess quote that says, “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” Well, I’m trying very hard to do that but it’s been a real struggle. My heart is broken into a million pieces and it’s broken not only for myself and our family, but for all of...

Hate is a really strong word, and I use it very seldom. I don't even let my kids say it because it carries such a strong sentiment. Today I was filled with hate. I hate this. I hate that I am a widow. I hate that this girl chose to spend her day drinking and doing drugs and then got behind the wheel of a car. I hate that she gets to live and Bill had to die. I hate that my husband is now a pile of ashes occupying a box sitting on a shelf in my living room. I hate that I am raising my kids alone. I hate that I have to live without him. I hate that I had to go to the bike shop today and get Blake's new cyclocross bike and other random supplies I know nothing about. I hate that I have to depend on Bill's friends to help me with all this bike stuff. I hate that I have to depend on other people right now. I hate that they all have their own families, all complete with TWO partners. I hate that I see old couples walking down the street holding hands and I will never have that...

We took our first family vacation last week without him, and I managed to get through the week without any major breakdowns. I had been dreading it since the day he died. It was a trip that would also include his parents, his sister and her family, and his brother and his brother's girlfriend. The last time we were all together was right after he died, so there was no telling how it was all going to go down. It was honestly not nearly as bad as I was expecting. Yes, it was hard not having him there, but it was comforting to be around the rest of his family. We spent the week in San Diego, soaking up the sun and sand and all the fun that Lego Land has to offer. The kids had a blast and I guess that is really all that matters. I was anxious to get home, but honestly now that I'm here I'm still anxious. I can't get comfortable no matter where I am. Nothing feels right. Often times I find myself pacing back and forth just looking for something to occupy my mind. I feel li...

The title of this post is a bit misleading. Widowhood is a club that NO ONE wants to join. We are literally thrust here against our own free will. It is completely without benefit, but the longer I'm here, the more I realize it SHOULD have perks. Big ones. These are a few of the things I think should be bestowed upon all of us, as soon as we become members. Chauffeur service  - No widow or widower should be expected, or even allowed, to drive themselves anywhere for at least the first three months. We are so consumed and preoccupied with our grief that there is no way we can possibly devote our full attention to operating a vehicle safely. In many cases, such as my own, we are responsible for young children, which makes this even less safe. These wonderful creatures, when placed in the restraints of a carseat or seatbelt, often become more loud and obnoxious than usual, which does nothing for our already lacking ability to focus on the road. For those of us who are caring for you...

I went for a hike with a good girlfriend of mine today. She is one of those people who you can be real with, nothing is TMI, and she loves and accepts me for who I am. No bullshit. And quite frankly, this is how most of my friendships are at this point in my life, because I don't really have the time or energy it takes to deal with anything more than that. While hiking and venting, we somehow got on the subject of dating. Well, I guess I should say, we talked about ME SOMEDAY dating. She is happily married to a wonderful man, so on some level she can almost relate to all these shitty feelings I have right now because her husband is like Bill was in many ways and she would be completely wrecked to lose him. Men like that are hard to come by. That's the bitch about all this. Bill was so amazing in every way (except for his singing voice), that I am convinced no one will ever hold a candle to him. Other people feel this way too. My cousin recently said to me, "Those are som...

People keep asking how I'm doing. "Oooh. How are you?," "How are you doing?," "Are you and the kids hanging in there?." I think it's fairly obvious that I'm pretty damn miserable. This is literally the threshold of hell people. My misery is so extreme in fact, that I have developed permanent frown lines. This makes my RBF (resting bitch face) even less attractive than it was before. Which you would think would deter people from asking, "How are you??," but apparently not. I took my kids to the bike shop yesterday to get my oldest fitted for a cylcocross bike. He is joining the juniors team this fall, and when he and his dad talked about it earlier this year, I'm not actually sure who was more excited between the two of them.  I walked into the bike shop armed with my three restless children, two of my husbands closest friends (who happen to also be very knowledgeable cross riders), a new credit card, and a false sense of str...

Today I washed the athletic clothing, and there just was simply not enough of it. Usually I have to do it a couple times a week, because Bill would have a dirty cycling kit almost every day and I did some form of exercise most days as well. I don't dry most of it, since it is mostly all some sort of spandex material, so on wash days the drying rack and any available hanger is usually full of cycling kits and other random spandex attire. And his red socks. He loved those socks and he wore them nearly every time he rode his bike. Now there are no red socks to look at. They are stuffed away in his closet that I refuse to clean out right now.  At one point I pulled out one of his RallySport jerseys from the washing machine and my heart skipped a beat. Then I remembered I had worn it to his memorial bike ride the week before.  Dummy,  I thought to myself.  He's still dead.   I had his friends take me out for a ride the other day. I met them in the parking l...

Landon shut his finger in the car door yesterday. We were in the parking lot of the ice cream shop. I ran into the shop carrying my screaming 6-year-old only to find that, THERE IS NO ICE AT THE ICE CREAM SHOP. Oh the irony. Luckily the restaurant next door had some, but that is seriously one black fingernail. Can't wait for the shit show when that falls off. Owen won't stop whining. He's three, so I'm used to him whining, but given our current situation and his lack of coping skills, it's pretty much ALL he does. When he isn't whining he's asking for daddy. "Me too." I say. "I want Daddy too." All the time. Day and night. Every second that goes by. The dog is confused. Where is her morning fetch partner? She sits on the sofa in the front room and watches out the window every evening, waiting for him to return from work. She is restless at night. She can't seem to get comfortable. She used to lay in between his legs and rest...

I wrote this about a year ago, but apparently I forgot to hit the publish button..... The other day I had a woman ask if I would be trying for a fourth so I could "get my girl." This happens quite often when people find out I have three little boys. I am usually pretty baffled by this, especially since more often than not, another mother is asking me. My usual response is something like, "No, I think we are done." What I REALLY want to say is, "You're an asshole." That's not the way this works people. When you sign up for the parenthood gig, you are signing up for a lot of unknowns, one of which is the sex of your child. This isn't some diner where you can just order off a menu of items - "Oh, I'll have a bouncing baby girl with a side of bright green eyes, and blond curls. And could you make sure she is extra sweet? None of that crying and tantrum crap. My system can't handle it." As my six-year-old so eloquently puts it,...

The mortuary called today. They wanted to make sure I was satisfied with my service and if there was anything more they could do to help. The man confirmed that my husband was delivered back home yesterday. No. He wasn't. What you brought me was a beautiful marble urn, filled with ashes and engraved with birth and death dates, and a silhouette of a cyclist. That is not my husband. My husband stands about 5'10', has piercing blue eyes, and a buzzed hair cut because he's balding. He has prominent cheek bones, fair, freckled skin, and a chiseled body with massive quads. He smells of sunblock and old spice. My husband is likely the smartest person you will have ever met. He is the definition of brilliant. He is kind and generous and always plays by the rules. He's the guy you call when you need help with ANYTHING. He is a doting father to our three little boys, who love and adore him more than life itself. What he lacks in his taste of music he more than makes up fo...

We almost made it to 12 years. One day shy. Hours really. Not long enough. An eternity with him wouldn't have been enough for me. I guess now I have to refer to him as my "late" husband. Late? What the hell is that? He was never late for anything. Except that one time he went for a ride and didn't come home when he was supposed to. I just keep thinking, "What in the actual FUCK has happened?" How the hell did this happen to us?!? He was invincible. Unstoppable. Nothing could get that man down. I can't imagine what his last moments must have been like. Did he know, as he was flying through the air about the land on the pavement, that it was all over? Did he even have time to react? Did he feel anything? I wish it could have been me that was there with him. So I could hold him and tell him how much I loved him and how he was the best thing that ever happened to me. Well, what I really wish was that the driver had missed him when she swerved into the ...

Some fun words and phrases brought to you by Owen: The Brothers - in reference to his brothers, i.e. "When are we going to pick the brothers up at the bus?" Eatmeal or Eatmoot - Oatmeal Hooker  - anything with a hook (a hanger, a coat hook, etc) Cutters  - scissors Hold You  - when he wants to be held Hairplane  - airplane Hairport  - airport Hold You -  When he wants to be held/picked up.