Letter #4
Dear Bill,
I bought a cyclocross bike. I can't decide if you would be excited about this, or just annoyed since I never really wanted one when you were alive. Well, someone has to take our kids to the bike park now, so I guess that's me. Honestly though, it's been a lot of fun and your friends have even taken me out on some rides on the dirt roads around here. The kids have enjoyed me taking them out and I've had fun with them. We miss you like crazy, and I so wish you were here to do things like this with us. I feel guilty that I get to be here with the kids and you don't.
I'm really having a hard time adjusting to this new life. I feel like I'm stuck in the present moment while the world just keeps going. I cannot, at this point, fathom a future and the past seems quite honestly, like an entirely other lifetime. I still feel numb most of the time. My body can't figure how register any true feelings, except all this heavy grief. Lately I've been waking up in the middle of the night and I have a hard time falling back asleep. I can't get comfortable in the empty bed. During the day I catch myself wandering aimlessly around the house, and then I finally realize it's you I'm looking for.
The kids are doing as well as they can really. We talk about you all the time. I try to remind them of how lucky they were to have you as a daddy. I will never stop telling them this. Owen tells me he loves you about 15 times a day. Landon finally opened up about losing you the other night. He sobbed and asked all kinds of questions, and the poor guy was just so sad. I was crying right along with him. It was so hard to see him like that, but it was also a relief because he hadn't really shown any emotion about losing you up until that night. Blake has been pretty good about asking questions and letting me know what he needs. Sometimes we sit and talk and cry about it after his brothers are in bed. It is so hard knowing that I won't see you again in this lifetime. It is really unfathomable. I just keep reminding myself that each of these kids is half of you, so I guess I am seeing you through them. This is just all so hard and I have no idea how to navigate us through.
I bought a cyclocross bike. I can't decide if you would be excited about this, or just annoyed since I never really wanted one when you were alive. Well, someone has to take our kids to the bike park now, so I guess that's me. Honestly though, it's been a lot of fun and your friends have even taken me out on some rides on the dirt roads around here. The kids have enjoyed me taking them out and I've had fun with them. We miss you like crazy, and I so wish you were here to do things like this with us. I feel guilty that I get to be here with the kids and you don't.
I'm really having a hard time adjusting to this new life. I feel like I'm stuck in the present moment while the world just keeps going. I cannot, at this point, fathom a future and the past seems quite honestly, like an entirely other lifetime. I still feel numb most of the time. My body can't figure how register any true feelings, except all this heavy grief. Lately I've been waking up in the middle of the night and I have a hard time falling back asleep. I can't get comfortable in the empty bed. During the day I catch myself wandering aimlessly around the house, and then I finally realize it's you I'm looking for.
The kids are doing as well as they can really. We talk about you all the time. I try to remind them of how lucky they were to have you as a daddy. I will never stop telling them this. Owen tells me he loves you about 15 times a day. Landon finally opened up about losing you the other night. He sobbed and asked all kinds of questions, and the poor guy was just so sad. I was crying right along with him. It was so hard to see him like that, but it was also a relief because he hadn't really shown any emotion about losing you up until that night. Blake has been pretty good about asking questions and letting me know what he needs. Sometimes we sit and talk and cry about it after his brothers are in bed. It is so hard knowing that I won't see you again in this lifetime. It is really unfathomable. I just keep reminding myself that each of these kids is half of you, so I guess I am seeing you through them. This is just all so hard and I have no idea how to navigate us through.
Your parents have been out here for the last month, and they are staying until after Thanksgiving. It has been really great to have them out here. They have been so helpful with the kids and things around the house that I would have otherwise not had the time or know-how to address. I think it has helped them too, to spend more time with the kids and I know the kids are loving having them around. I really feel so blessed to be a part of your family. They have been nothing but wonderful to me since you and I started dating all those years ago. I cannot imagine having married into a better family than yours.
I am still having a hard time accepting that this happened and this is our life now, and I suppose that will always be true. I love you and I miss you and I just wish I could go back to that day and somehow reverse all of this.
Always on my mind and in my heart, Bri
I am still having a hard time accepting that this happened and this is our life now, and I suppose that will always be true. I love you and I miss you and I just wish I could go back to that day and somehow reverse all of this.
Always on my mind and in my heart, Bri
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