Laundry


Today I washed the athletic clothing, and there just was simply not enough of it. Usually I have to do it a couple times a week, because Bill would have a dirty cycling kit almost every day and I did some form of exercise most days as well. I don't dry most of it, since it is mostly all some sort of spandex material, so on wash days the drying rack and any available hanger is usually full of cycling kits and other random spandex attire. And his red socks. He loved those socks and he wore them nearly every time he rode his bike.

 Now there are no red socks to look at. They are stuffed away in his closet that I refuse to clean out right now. 

 At one point I pulled out one of his RallySport jerseys from the washing machine and my heart skipped a beat. Then I remembered I had worn it to his memorial bike ride the week before. 

 Dummy, I thought to myself. He's still dead. 

 I had his friends take me out for a ride the other day. I met them in the parking lot with puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks, because I just kept thinking, HE should be the one meeting them for a ride. Not me. They were all so sweet and made sure I was comfortable and safe throughout the ride. They really are a terrific group of guys, all with qualities very similar to Bill. He chose his friends well. Given my state of complete exhaustion that this process has left me in, and the fact that I hadn't been on my bike in quite a while, it was actually a really good ride. Lately most forms of exercise, like everything else in my life right now, feel so taxing. I am completely overwhelmed by it. Being on my bike was different though. I felt strong and it gave me an odd sense of freedom when I had that open road in front of me. I guess this is part of why he loved it so much. He could be out there for hours and never tire of it. He joked that it was his way of mediation. 

 I don't understand how someone so full of life can be gone in the blink of an eye. I just keep having to remind myself that he isn't coming back and that this nightmare really did happen to us. Everything I do, everywhere I turn, I am reminded of him. Of us. I can't turn on the radio without crying like a baby because I am constantly hearing songs that make me think about him and our life together. Someday, maybe I'll hear one that makes me smile instead.


I miss you so much, I can't stand it
Seems like my heart, is breaking in two
My head says no but my soul demands it
Everything I do, reminds me of you

 I miss you so much, in this house full of shadows...

 -Van Morrison, "Reminds Me of You"

Comments

  1. Addie's NanaJuly 20, 2016 at 8:20 AM

    I love you. So grateful that you are letting us into your heart and soul. Feel my prayers and love Bri. My arms are wrapped around the boys.

    ReplyDelete

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