Lost
Landon shut his finger in the car door yesterday. We were in the parking lot of the ice cream shop. I ran into the shop carrying my screaming 6-year-old only to find that,
THERE IS NO ICE AT THE ICE CREAM SHOP.
Oh the irony. Luckily the restaurant next door had some, but that is seriously one black fingernail. Can't wait for the shit show when that falls off.
Owen won't stop whining. He's three, so I'm used to him whining, but given our current situation and his lack of coping skills, it's pretty much ALL he does. When he isn't whining he's asking for daddy.
"Me too." I say. "I want Daddy too." All the time. Day and night. Every second that goes by.
The dog is confused. Where is her morning fetch partner? She sits on the sofa in the front room and watches out the window every evening, waiting for him to return from work. She is restless at night. She can't seem to get comfortable. She used to lay in between his legs and rest her head on his leg or his butt every night.
We are all lost. A friend of mine described it as waking up in some post-apocalyptic nightmare and you are the only survivor. That's basically what this feels like. It is a really dark and lonely place and no matter what anyone says or does, no one can walk through it with me or for me. Sure, there are many people grieving right alongside me in all of this. They lost a friend, a brother, a co-worker, a cycling partner, a son, a son-in-law, a parent, or a nephew. None of them lost a husband. A life partner. The love of their life. Their grief is no better or worse than mine, it's just different and most of them share a similar grief with someone else since there were multiple children, parents, aunts and uncles, friends, etc. There was only one wife. Me.
I have spoken to a few other widows recently, and they all say similar things. This is the lowest of the low, but someday you will come out of the fog, at least for the most part, and find a way to be happy. It may take months or years, but it will happen. One of them said to me, "You're going to have all these random, scattered thoughts that come in and out of your mind and they aren't right or wrong, they just are." That's pretty much how my day is. The other day I was thinking to myself, I'm only 36. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. What if I never find anyone that loves me and wants to make me their wife?? And I immediately felt incredibly guilty. Here, the man who I had loved more than anything for 19 years had just died. I am still very much in love with him and don't WANT anyone else but him. I took those vows seriously, except for the " 'till death do us part" part. Death didn't finalize my love for him and it never will. Even IF I do find someone else to share my life with someday, I will always have love for him. Finding someone who accepts that, seems like an impossible feat right now, but I'm not really worrying about it since I'd rather just have Bill back and quite honestly, no one can hold a candle to that guy.
This same widowed friend also told me, it's really fucking hard to try to now be both parents so you just have to do the best you can do and know that you can't really be both people. It IS really hard. Bill was so amazing in every way, and his fathering skills were no exception. I can't possibly compete with that. Most days I'm lucky if I can finish the day and not be thinking, I'm going to royally screw these kids up. They are all going to end up in therapy, or worse, because I can't be the parent I need to be for them.
The girl who killed my husband is 24. You know what I was doing when I was 24?? Getting married. Starting my nursing career. Signing a rental agreement on a house. Buying a puppy. Making important financial decisions with my new husband. I certainly wasn't consuming copious amounts of alcohol and driving drunk. What self-respecting, decent human being makes a conscious decision like that? No her. And furthermore, who raised her to behave like that? I am a firm believer that you are a product of your environment so yes, I do hold her parents somewhat responsible in all of this.
I'm trying really hard not to be angry or resentful, but some days that's all I've got. People keep reminding me that I'm human and all these feelings are ok. This is all just part of the process. This shitty, shitty process.
THERE IS NO ICE AT THE ICE CREAM SHOP.
Oh the irony. Luckily the restaurant next door had some, but that is seriously one black fingernail. Can't wait for the shit show when that falls off.
Owen won't stop whining. He's three, so I'm used to him whining, but given our current situation and his lack of coping skills, it's pretty much ALL he does. When he isn't whining he's asking for daddy.
"Me too." I say. "I want Daddy too." All the time. Day and night. Every second that goes by.
The dog is confused. Where is her morning fetch partner? She sits on the sofa in the front room and watches out the window every evening, waiting for him to return from work. She is restless at night. She can't seem to get comfortable. She used to lay in between his legs and rest her head on his leg or his butt every night.
We are all lost. A friend of mine described it as waking up in some post-apocalyptic nightmare and you are the only survivor. That's basically what this feels like. It is a really dark and lonely place and no matter what anyone says or does, no one can walk through it with me or for me. Sure, there are many people grieving right alongside me in all of this. They lost a friend, a brother, a co-worker, a cycling partner, a son, a son-in-law, a parent, or a nephew. None of them lost a husband. A life partner. The love of their life. Their grief is no better or worse than mine, it's just different and most of them share a similar grief with someone else since there were multiple children, parents, aunts and uncles, friends, etc. There was only one wife. Me.
I have spoken to a few other widows recently, and they all say similar things. This is the lowest of the low, but someday you will come out of the fog, at least for the most part, and find a way to be happy. It may take months or years, but it will happen. One of them said to me, "You're going to have all these random, scattered thoughts that come in and out of your mind and they aren't right or wrong, they just are." That's pretty much how my day is. The other day I was thinking to myself, I'm only 36. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. What if I never find anyone that loves me and wants to make me their wife?? And I immediately felt incredibly guilty. Here, the man who I had loved more than anything for 19 years had just died. I am still very much in love with him and don't WANT anyone else but him. I took those vows seriously, except for the " 'till death do us part" part. Death didn't finalize my love for him and it never will. Even IF I do find someone else to share my life with someday, I will always have love for him. Finding someone who accepts that, seems like an impossible feat right now, but I'm not really worrying about it since I'd rather just have Bill back and quite honestly, no one can hold a candle to that guy.
This same widowed friend also told me, it's really fucking hard to try to now be both parents so you just have to do the best you can do and know that you can't really be both people. It IS really hard. Bill was so amazing in every way, and his fathering skills were no exception. I can't possibly compete with that. Most days I'm lucky if I can finish the day and not be thinking, I'm going to royally screw these kids up. They are all going to end up in therapy, or worse, because I can't be the parent I need to be for them.
The girl who killed my husband is 24. You know what I was doing when I was 24?? Getting married. Starting my nursing career. Signing a rental agreement on a house. Buying a puppy. Making important financial decisions with my new husband. I certainly wasn't consuming copious amounts of alcohol and driving drunk. What self-respecting, decent human being makes a conscious decision like that? No her. And furthermore, who raised her to behave like that? I am a firm believer that you are a product of your environment so yes, I do hold her parents somewhat responsible in all of this.
I'm trying really hard not to be angry or resentful, but some days that's all I've got. People keep reminding me that I'm human and all these feelings are ok. This is all just part of the process. This shitty, shitty process.
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