California
I traveled to California last week for a couple of days. About a month after Bill died,
Every time I acknowledge it, it feels like someone is ripping my heart out. This is real right?
...a good friend from California offered to buy me a plane ticket and take me to a Dave Matthews concert. Who's going to say no to Dave? I was apprehensive, but agreed knowing it was something I needed to do. I didn't really understand how difficult it would be until I got there.
I got the kids all squared away with my aunt and the graduate student/nanny that lives with us. I knew they would be in good hands, and Lord knows I left them enough instructions to get them through more than just the 48hours I would be gone for. I managed to get parked and zip through security in record time. It's amazing how quickly that goes when you don't have children in tow and you aren't checking bags. While sitting in the terminal waiting for my flight I had a minor panic attack and I started crying, hoping no one would notice me. I was a complete wreck.
I miss the kids. Even though they can drive me up the wall, I miss them. I don't want to leave them. They are all I have left of him. I am all THEY have left for parents. What if something happens to me while I'm gone? These people that I'm visiting miss Bill so much. They loved him like he was their own, and I'm going there without him. What if I'm not enough for them? I'm not going to be enough. I know they love me to, but he occupied such a big space in our adoptive California Italian family and I can't fill that space or make it easier for them.
I cycled through this thought process for about 20 minutes and finally got my sh*t together just before I was called to board. I was so anxious from all the grief that I was completely nauseated for the first half of the flight. The turbulence certainly didn't help matters either. At one point I looked over across the aisle and I noticed the man sitting there had a Google backpack. He is everywhere and nowhere. Once I got more calmed down, the rest of the flight went a little better and before too long I was in San Jose.
My friend picked me up and drove me to the hotel and as soon as we pulled up I recognized it and my heart sank. The restaurant in the bottom of the hotel was where Bill and I went to eat to celebrate our first anniversary. He is everywhere and nowhere. We had just moved to the Bay Area only weeks before. I still remember what I wore that night, and where we sat, and how excited and maybe a little scared we were to be starting this new adventure all by ourselves. I had a few hours to kill until we were all meeting for dinner and although I was tired, I was restless so I pretty much spent the afternoon reliving the first several years of our marriage.
It was even less fun than it sounds, but I couldn't get my brain to shut off. All the memories came rushing back and there was nothing to stop them. I thought about the four plus day drive we took to get there from the midwest, our first apartment which gave us an incredible case of Bay Area cost of living sticker shock, starting our careers and all the possibilities they held. Memories of wine country, our tradition of driving into the mountains to cut our Christmas tree down every year, and taking the dogs and kids to the beach flooded me. I wanted desperately to go back in time to the neighborhood where we bought our first house, where we brought the first two of three baby boys home. Where we made some very close relationships with our neighbors who would become a surrogate family for us over the years. Back in time when everything was new and we had no idea where life would take us. I knew though, if I went to visit that place now there was no way I could ever handle it. My heart sank just thinking about it.
I spent that evening with our dear Italian family. We talked about the accident, about Bill's life and what he meant to all of us. We laughed and we cried, and I did the same the next day when I met some friends and former nurse colleagues for lunch. We marveled at the magnitude of it all. It's crazy to think how much one man can impact so many lives. And to also think that once decision can alter so many lives forever in such a horrible way.
We spent 6 years in San Jose and I hate that. I hate that it was more than what he got to spend in Boulder. We had been in Boulder just under 5 years when he died. He deserved so much more than that. This was his dream place to live and I hate that he worked so hard to get here and all he got was not even 5 whole years. I am so sad and angry for him. I want to shake that girl so hard that he comes back to life.
Parts of this trip were incredibly difficult, but I knew that I had to do it, if for no other reason that to prove to myself than I could do it. What I am learning through all of this is that I get to live. Bill was not so lucky, so I need to do all that I can to keep moving forward and live a life that he would be proud of. It is excruciating to be here without him, but I really just want to do all I can to honor him. He deserved nothing less.
Every time I acknowledge it, it feels like someone is ripping my heart out. This is real right?
...a good friend from California offered to buy me a plane ticket and take me to a Dave Matthews concert. Who's going to say no to Dave? I was apprehensive, but agreed knowing it was something I needed to do. I didn't really understand how difficult it would be until I got there.
I got the kids all squared away with my aunt and the graduate student/nanny that lives with us. I knew they would be in good hands, and Lord knows I left them enough instructions to get them through more than just the 48hours I would be gone for. I managed to get parked and zip through security in record time. It's amazing how quickly that goes when you don't have children in tow and you aren't checking bags. While sitting in the terminal waiting for my flight I had a minor panic attack and I started crying, hoping no one would notice me. I was a complete wreck.
I miss the kids. Even though they can drive me up the wall, I miss them. I don't want to leave them. They are all I have left of him. I am all THEY have left for parents. What if something happens to me while I'm gone? These people that I'm visiting miss Bill so much. They loved him like he was their own, and I'm going there without him. What if I'm not enough for them? I'm not going to be enough. I know they love me to, but he occupied such a big space in our adoptive California Italian family and I can't fill that space or make it easier for them.
I cycled through this thought process for about 20 minutes and finally got my sh*t together just before I was called to board. I was so anxious from all the grief that I was completely nauseated for the first half of the flight. The turbulence certainly didn't help matters either. At one point I looked over across the aisle and I noticed the man sitting there had a Google backpack. He is everywhere and nowhere. Once I got more calmed down, the rest of the flight went a little better and before too long I was in San Jose.
My friend picked me up and drove me to the hotel and as soon as we pulled up I recognized it and my heart sank. The restaurant in the bottom of the hotel was where Bill and I went to eat to celebrate our first anniversary. He is everywhere and nowhere. We had just moved to the Bay Area only weeks before. I still remember what I wore that night, and where we sat, and how excited and maybe a little scared we were to be starting this new adventure all by ourselves. I had a few hours to kill until we were all meeting for dinner and although I was tired, I was restless so I pretty much spent the afternoon reliving the first several years of our marriage.
It was even less fun than it sounds, but I couldn't get my brain to shut off. All the memories came rushing back and there was nothing to stop them. I thought about the four plus day drive we took to get there from the midwest, our first apartment which gave us an incredible case of Bay Area cost of living sticker shock, starting our careers and all the possibilities they held. Memories of wine country, our tradition of driving into the mountains to cut our Christmas tree down every year, and taking the dogs and kids to the beach flooded me. I wanted desperately to go back in time to the neighborhood where we bought our first house, where we brought the first two of three baby boys home. Where we made some very close relationships with our neighbors who would become a surrogate family for us over the years. Back in time when everything was new and we had no idea where life would take us. I knew though, if I went to visit that place now there was no way I could ever handle it. My heart sank just thinking about it.
I spent that evening with our dear Italian family. We talked about the accident, about Bill's life and what he meant to all of us. We laughed and we cried, and I did the same the next day when I met some friends and former nurse colleagues for lunch. We marveled at the magnitude of it all. It's crazy to think how much one man can impact so many lives. And to also think that once decision can alter so many lives forever in such a horrible way.
We spent 6 years in San Jose and I hate that. I hate that it was more than what he got to spend in Boulder. We had been in Boulder just under 5 years when he died. He deserved so much more than that. This was his dream place to live and I hate that he worked so hard to get here and all he got was not even 5 whole years. I am so sad and angry for him. I want to shake that girl so hard that he comes back to life.
Parts of this trip were incredibly difficult, but I knew that I had to do it, if for no other reason that to prove to myself than I could do it. What I am learning through all of this is that I get to live. Bill was not so lucky, so I need to do all that I can to keep moving forward and live a life that he would be proud of. It is excruciating to be here without him, but I really just want to do all I can to honor him. He deserved nothing less.
Love you Bri...I think about you and the boys all the time. Praying for understanding and peace, when I know your world has been turned upside down. You lost your other half, and your children lost their amazing father. I am so grateful we met you and Bill in California. I always thought we had a wonderful connection - one that kept going long distance with holiday cards as we both moved to different places across the US. We love you and you are in our prayers. Your blog is a great way to share your honest and raw feelings. I love you and think of you often. Love, Brooke Langhorne
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