PTSD

Let's talk for a minute about PTSD and it's partners, anxiety and depression.

It is relentless.

It is all consuming.

It is horrifying.

It is exhausting.

It holds a grip so tight, you have trouble catching your breath.

It causes frequent panic attacks.

I have the last seconds of my husband's life on constant reply in my mind. Even if I'm not actively thinking about it, it's there in my subconscious. I wasn't even there to witness his last moments, but I have pieced together the details from what I have been told from the witnesses, his riding buddy, and those who were present in court the day they went over all of the evidence. I have flashbacks of the text I received from a friend of his when I first learned there had been an accident. I am so tired, but I don't want to go to bed at night. It's cold and empty and my thoughts run wild. I have difficulty falling asleep and I wake up every 3-4 hours. I have terrible nightmares, that don't really have anything to do with anything at all, they just scare the hell out of me. I am more worried about my kids than I would like to be. I'm constantly paranoid that something is going to jeopardize my life. I have separation anxiety when it comes to leaving my kids. I have no closure with regards to Bill's death, and I never will. I go about my daily activities, but I'm really just going through the motions not really feeling much of anything. I feel very hollow. Like my soul is lost. Most of the time all I really want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep or cry.

Now let's talk about having all this while trying to raise three young kids, alone.

It is relentless.

It is exhausting.

Somebody. ALWAYS. Needs. Something. The dog needs to be let out. The laundry needs to be flipped. The trash needs to be taken out. Bills need to be paid. Food needs to be prepared. There are activities to shuttle to and more laundry to do. Toilets need to be scrubbed.

There is no time to just lay around and be with my thoughts and cry. I am so sad and scared all the time and there is no one or nothing that can take that away. I want to crawl out of my own skin. Intrusive flashbacks can occur when I least expect them. Walking through a store, driving the car, at a school function, at work. Hearing or seeing emergency vehicles makes my chest tighten and I feel like my heart will stop. Seeing cyclists makes me feel like I have a pit in my stomach. By the end of the day my head feels like it's going to explode because I've been trying to keep my cool all day and there is just so much tension. By the time I get the kids to bed, I'm too exhausted to process my own thoughts and feelings. I feel sick to my stomach a lot of the time. I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders trying to do all this on my own. Let's just say life is kicking my ass right now.

Xanax anyone??

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