Take a Hike
I went for a hike with a good girlfriend of mine today. She is one of those people who you can be real with, nothing is TMI, and she loves and accepts me for who I am. No bullshit. And quite frankly, this is how most of my friendships are at this point in my life, because I don't really have the time or energy it takes to deal with anything more than that.
While hiking and venting, we somehow got on the subject of dating. Well, I guess I should say, we talked about ME SOMEDAY dating. She is happily married to a wonderful man, so on some level she can almost relate to all these shitty feelings I have right now because her husband is like Bill was in many ways and she would be completely wrecked to lose him. Men like that are hard to come by. That's the bitch about all this. Bill was so amazing in every way (except for his singing voice), that I am convinced no one will ever hold a candle to him. Other people feel this way too. My cousin recently said to me, "Those are some damn big shoes to fill. You set that bar really high." Great. Thanks for the reminder.
Of course I immediately felt guilty for having this conversation and my friend said to me, "You should not feel guilty about this at all. You are a human being and you have needs."
You know what. She's absolutely right. I spend most of my time making sure the needs of my children are me, and I have to believe that I deserve to have my own met as well. I'm not necessarily talking about THOSE needs, but the need to feel loved and happy and whole. Bill and I had such a deep love and respect for each other. We had passion. Two days before he died, we got an anniversary card in the mail from my in-laws. They included a copy of our wedding program with it, and on the card one of them wrote "Always remember how happy you were on your wedding day." And we did, but the thing is, we were happier 12 years later than we had ever been or could have ever imagined that day. If done right, I think that is how most marriages work. That love grows and you become even more happy with that person you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with.
And if a life suddenly ends at the age of 35, then what? The remaining spouse is just supposed to sit there and rot for all eternity, until they meet again? I certainly hope not. I am really looking forward to the day when my heart is not a black hole anymore. I am hopeful that someday, someone will come along and change that for me. Bill was the absolute love of my life, and he still is. I know that no matter what, even if a new spouse comes along, I will always love Bill. I believe the capacity of the human spirit is such that it will allow for this. This is part of the reason why we are able to have more than one child and love them equally. Sure you may bond differently, and some days you may feel like you have a favorite depending on who threw the least amount of tantrums, but you could never really pick between them all.
I was so damn lucky to have had Bill as a husband. He made me so proud. When I would get introduced to people that already knew him they'd say, "Oh so you're Bill's wife? Oh he's so great. Bill is awesome." You're damned right, I'd think. He's amazing. I always felt a little guilty because I was certain I wasn't holding up my end of the bargain. Does he think the same thing when he gets introduced to people who know me?? And I'm sure on some level he did think I was pretty great, otherwise he wouldn't have stayed with me all those years. But come on. This guy was superman. HE WAS THE BEST.
I used to ask him, " Why did you pick me?." This would usually be met with some sarcastic response about how it was more a matter of convenience since I grew up just down the street from him and he knew virtually everything about me.
"Seriously Bri," he'd say. "You're amazing."
Well, if I could make a guy like that, feel that way about me then I needed to shut the hell up and stop asking questions and just go with it. I came to realize that he just really loved me for me, flaws and insecurities and all. I will never feel anything but grateful that he chose to spend his life with me. If I had a choice between this life, and a different one without this outcome, I would chose this one. Over and over again. He just made it that wonderful for me and I can never thank him enough for that.
While hiking and venting, we somehow got on the subject of dating. Well, I guess I should say, we talked about ME SOMEDAY dating. She is happily married to a wonderful man, so on some level she can almost relate to all these shitty feelings I have right now because her husband is like Bill was in many ways and she would be completely wrecked to lose him. Men like that are hard to come by. That's the bitch about all this. Bill was so amazing in every way (except for his singing voice), that I am convinced no one will ever hold a candle to him. Other people feel this way too. My cousin recently said to me, "Those are some damn big shoes to fill. You set that bar really high." Great. Thanks for the reminder.
Of course I immediately felt guilty for having this conversation and my friend said to me, "You should not feel guilty about this at all. You are a human being and you have needs."
You know what. She's absolutely right. I spend most of my time making sure the needs of my children are me, and I have to believe that I deserve to have my own met as well. I'm not necessarily talking about THOSE needs, but the need to feel loved and happy and whole. Bill and I had such a deep love and respect for each other. We had passion. Two days before he died, we got an anniversary card in the mail from my in-laws. They included a copy of our wedding program with it, and on the card one of them wrote "Always remember how happy you were on your wedding day." And we did, but the thing is, we were happier 12 years later than we had ever been or could have ever imagined that day. If done right, I think that is how most marriages work. That love grows and you become even more happy with that person you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with.
And if a life suddenly ends at the age of 35, then what? The remaining spouse is just supposed to sit there and rot for all eternity, until they meet again? I certainly hope not. I am really looking forward to the day when my heart is not a black hole anymore. I am hopeful that someday, someone will come along and change that for me. Bill was the absolute love of my life, and he still is. I know that no matter what, even if a new spouse comes along, I will always love Bill. I believe the capacity of the human spirit is such that it will allow for this. This is part of the reason why we are able to have more than one child and love them equally. Sure you may bond differently, and some days you may feel like you have a favorite depending on who threw the least amount of tantrums, but you could never really pick between them all.
I was so damn lucky to have had Bill as a husband. He made me so proud. When I would get introduced to people that already knew him they'd say, "Oh so you're Bill's wife? Oh he's so great. Bill is awesome." You're damned right, I'd think. He's amazing. I always felt a little guilty because I was certain I wasn't holding up my end of the bargain. Does he think the same thing when he gets introduced to people who know me?? And I'm sure on some level he did think I was pretty great, otherwise he wouldn't have stayed with me all those years. But come on. This guy was superman. HE WAS THE BEST.
I used to ask him, " Why did you pick me?." This would usually be met with some sarcastic response about how it was more a matter of convenience since I grew up just down the street from him and he knew virtually everything about me.
"Seriously Bri," he'd say. "You're amazing."
Well, if I could make a guy like that, feel that way about me then I needed to shut the hell up and stop asking questions and just go with it. I came to realize that he just really loved me for me, flaws and insecurities and all. I will never feel anything but grateful that he chose to spend his life with me. If I had a choice between this life, and a different one without this outcome, I would chose this one. Over and over again. He just made it that wonderful for me and I can never thank him enough for that.
Wow, I love your blog. I love that you write! You are, as Bill put it, "amazing"! His sarcastic response however could not be anything more than truth. That man had a plan for everything, and he followed through with everything. He would HAVE to chose someone he knew everything about, including everything about that persons upbringing. He chose you, the one we raised, who lived just down the street, and that makes me so very happy and proud! As for your conversation with your Non-Bullshit friend, you keep hiking with that friend...she's a keeper! Your thoughts of your future are normal and spot on. You will ALWAYS love Bill, NO ONE can hold a candle to him, BUT....you should not have to be without love from another great guy at some point. It will happen, when you least expect it, and it too will be great. A different kind of great, but great! Keep writing, does my aching heart good. Love you forever, Mom
ReplyDeleteBlown away by the way you write... You should really consider seriously writing. It's so moving and riveting and heart wrenchingly beautiful just like you... Inside & out. I just adore you. I don't have time for bullshit either... That's why you're my nonjudgmental.. never TMI...real raw friend. Love you sister
ReplyDeleteKPS
Hi Bri - been thinking about you and your 3 often. What a blessing for you to know such love! (And us to witness the dating part of it :-) Raising 3 boys can be like a roller coaster ride - as one description- thrilling, scary, wondering how you ever got on ......but always ends with an awe of gratefulness - like the whoosh at the end of the ride. Keep getting on and buckling yourself in - you are not alone! Love you girl - and I am forever thankful that Bill was a part of my and my family's life.
ReplyDelete