He's gone

We almost made it to 12 years. One day shy. Hours really. Not long enough. An eternity with him wouldn't have been enough for me. I guess now I have to refer to him as my "late" husband. Late? What the hell is that? He was never late for anything.

Except that one time he went for a ride and didn't come home when he was supposed to.

I just keep thinking, "What in the actual FUCK has happened?" How the hell did this happen to us?!? He was invincible. Unstoppable. Nothing could get that man down.

I can't imagine what his last moments must have been like. Did he know, as he was flying through the air about the land on the pavement, that it was all over? Did he even have time to react? Did he feel anything? I wish it could have been me that was there with him. So I could hold him and tell him how much I loved him and how he was the best thing that ever happened to me. Well, what I really wish was that the driver had missed him when she swerved into the bike lane. That maybe he would have had some mechanical issue preventing him from getting to that exact spot at that exact moment. Or that I would have told him "no," when he asked if it was okay if he got in a quick ride before dinner. He always asked me, and I never told him no. I wish I would have for once, said no.

I am so lost without him. I don't know how to live this life without him. It was always us, since we were 17. We were like extensions of each other. And the kids. Why are they having to pay for this girl's mistake? They had the best dad any child could possibly have, and it was snatched away so soon. Owen is only 3. Will he ever remember his dad and how wonderful he was? My heart breaks every time I think about it.

Does this feeling ever go away? Does it ever fade? Will I still feel this overwhelmed and broken 20 years from now??

I wish we had more time together. I wish we could have lived out all of our hopes and dreams. I miss him every minute of every day. He is everywhere and nowhere all at once. I cannot imagine making it out of this, but I guess people do. Hopefully I will too.

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