6 Years

 6 years. 

Time flies? No, time is a thief. 

Summer is almost over now and the kids will be heading back to school soon. I woke up the one morning in June in tears, which always a fun way to wake up, from a vision I had of standing over your casket. Ok so it was really a box. I didn't spring for the high dollar casket beautifully handcrafted of the finest wood, only to then be incinerated a few weeks later. I mean come on. I may have been completely mired in my grief, barely knowing my own name at times, but I still had the ability to make sound economic decisions. During this dream I was begging you not to be dead and reminding you that we had promised to do this TOGETHER. I had not signed up for the utter bullshit that is widowed/single parenting.

I battled a bulging disc in my neck for most of May and all of June that caused me to have horrific nerve pain 24/7. It's as if the universe was saying, "You know, June isn't quite hard enough for her. Let's go ahead and throw one more thing at her." I really could have done without that. 

Blake recently built his own PC. I took him to the computer parts warehouse place in Denver, basically your personal version of Disneyland, to get all of his supplies where he spent nearly all his hard earned cash from his summer job. It was incredibly triggering for me and all I could think was how you would have been like a pig in sh*t in that place. 

WHERE ARE YOU????

Oh, right. 

Well, I survived and I didn't cry until we got in the car so I considered that a win. I left him to his own devices to put it all together and set it all up, because I couldn't bear to watch him. Who am I kidding though? I would have been zero help. 

Blake finished drivers ed a few weeks ago and now has his learner's permit. When he asked me if he could be an organ donor (they needed a parent's permission) I almost answered with, "ABSOLUTELY NOT. BECAUSE BY THE TIME YOU DIE YOUR ORGANS WILL BE SO OLD AND SHRIVELED UP THEY WILL BE OF NO USE TO ANYONE. NO ONE ELSE IN MY FAMILY WILL BE DYING YOUNG THANK YOU VERY MUCH." Thankfully I caught myself and told him that he could, before I traumatized the poor kid further.

I walked in to Landon's room a few days ago and he was crying his eyes out while listening to music. Evidently the song we set your slide show to at your memorial service came on and he couldn't deal. Owen was upset yesterday when he saw pictures of both Blake and Landon at different times with you at take your child to work day at Google. He didn't ever get the chance to go because he was so young when you died. Not cool. 

We miss you like crazy and I hope that wherever you are you are watching these kids grow and change and do all they are doing. I am so sorry you were robbed of your fatherhood, and so much more. I don't understand any of this and I really hope that someday it will make more sense. 

This is still hard. And we are ok. Most of the time. 

But my God do we miss you. 

Love you forever and always,

Bri