Update
Dear Bill,
This past summer marked 7 years since you left this earthly place. It seems like yesterday and an entire lifetime ago all at once.
Our grief has changed, but is with us always. It flows like a river through us, sometimes gentle sometimes raging, through our joys and sorrows, our work and our leisure, through all aspects of our lives.
I had a dream recently where you were alive and the boys were as young as they were when you died, and in the dream we knew you were going to die and there wasn't a damn thing we could do about it. We had less than 24 hours with you, and no act of God or otherwise was going to stop your death. It was as horrible as it sounds. I woke up with a crushing sense of dread and heartache. There are moments where I am consumed with grief and am just as gutted as I was the day you died, followed by moments of overwhelming joy and gratitude for my life the way it is now.
I know it is not my job as a parent to protect my children from life's sorrows and uncertainties, and it is also my mother's instinct to harbor guilt because I could not shield them from the trauma of losing their father. The immense responsibility of being left to raise the boys without you, and to help them carry and navigate their grief is crippling at times. The mental and physical load of widowed parenting, is tremendous. There is little time for my own grieving with all the responsibilities I have.
Landon earned his toilet plunger badge recently. Proud mom moment. The badges that adorn their sashes are different than the traditional scout badges you and I earned as kids, yet they are practical nonetheless. Laundry, scrubbing dishes, toilet plunging, manners, etc. He also played a bit of Tom Sawyer this summer and stained our fence, broken foot and all. He now stands 5'4," wears a size 10 shoe, and has the beginnings of a mustache. He absolutely loves to play lacrosse. Remember our little boy who could not be rushed and would remind us, "I'm going at my own pace."? Well, let me tell you he is ALL hustle out on that field. He has your laugh. David had him cracking up at the dinner table the other night and it was such a beautiful thing to hear, I literally had tears in my eyes.
Blake just passed his driver's test so he is now street legal. I spent roughly 50hours in the car with him teaching him to drive. The process was only slightly more fun than potty training and about a thousand times scarier. I trusted exactly none of the other drivers we encountered and have terrible anxiety thinking about what might happen when he is going to be driving alone. So maybe throw me a bone here and put some sort of safety net force field around all these kids as they spread their wings and leave the nest.
Owen went to soccer camp this past summer at CU. At the end of the 4 day camp the players get an evaluation from the coaches. All of the remarks about Owen reflected on how impressed they were with his bravery, determination, speed, and agility given his small stature when matched not just with kids his own age but kids much older than him. Clearly the apple did not fall far. But we already knew that :) On the way to soccer the other day I overheard him talking to his friend about how he cannot stand it if his socks are messed up and don't fit a certain way. If I didn't know any better I would have thought that was you in my back seat.
I was in the grocery store recently and a familiar song came on from our college days and I found myself crying right there in the checkout isle. Not because it was a song I was particularly fond of or one that had special meaning. I just.....I don't even know anymore. Death is such a strange concept. You were here and then all of the sudden you were gone. Forever. What the hell is that even about? I never want to feel like that again, but odds are I will. I do feel fortunate that David gives me space to grieve and not feel threatened by it. He is kind and loving and gentle and fathers his children so wonderfully. He has managed to navigate developing a relationship with each of our boys as well, which is no small feat. I did get those six kids I always wanted after all. Lucky for me this relationship came with three incredible bonus children, and as amazing as I will always think the childbirth experience is, I am grateful I did not have to endure pregnancy 3 more times. Bless it.
There is so much that you are missing here. Life is moving so fast. Time with the kids is fleeting. And I am doing it all without you. It is so hard. The constant growing. My God they will not stop growing. They were so young when you died. And now we are having conversations about drugs, sex, pubic hair, gender equality, and college. It'd be really great if you could participate in some of these.
I miss you and the life we shared so much that it aches sometimes. No amount of gratitude and love for my life now will ever change that.
I will love you and carry you in my heart forever,
Bri
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