New Beginnings

I am dating.

And I am in love with a dead man.

It's as complicated as it sounds. And yet, it isn't. We met a few months ago after we were introduced by mutual friends. He is smart and kind and funny and so very patient with me. I was immediately charmed by his beautiful blue eyes and warm smile. He is so easy to be with that in some ways I feel like I have known him forever.

I went into this expecting exactly zero. I knew he would be there that night, but was certain that nothing would come of it. I am a widow. With three young kids. Not exactly something most guys are willing to take on. Apparently that wasn't as big of a deterrent as I thought because he asked for my number and after speaking on the phone a few times that week, he asked me to go hiking.

I cannot possibly describe the range of emotions I felt, and still feel on some level, that first date. And I was so worried that if people knew I was dating they would think I was over what had happened to Bill and everything was fine. Or they would think that what I was doing was wrong. Neither of these could be farther from the truth. I still yearn for Bill. On some level, I always will. There is a pain inside of me that will never fully go away. I would give just about anything to see him or touch him or talk to him one more time. It is heartbreaking to me to have to remind myself that none of that will ever happen. I also know that I am allowed to be happy with someone else. I deserve that and quite frankly, so do my kids.

A few weeks after I shared with Blake that I was dating, the kids met him. That was a very surreal experience as I watched him interact with my kids. He was so attentive and engaging, and it was clear to me that they did not feel threatened and they were really enjoying him. I was relieved, but also wistful while I imagined what Bill would be doing with them during those moments. Blake was launching a bottle rocket with citric acid, water, and baking soda and since the new guy has a chemical engineering degree (I know. Apparently I have a thing for engineers), they were both geeking out over it. Owen and Landon had made up some game out in the yard and he was humoring them by joining in like he had been here all along.

I later explained to Blake that just because I was spending time with this new man, didn't mean that I didn't love his daddy anymore. I said, "Blake, your daddy and I loved each other very much. We taught each other how to love and what true love is. One of the best ways we can honor him, - "

And then he cut me off and said, "I know. We can give that love to other people mom."

He assured me that he really likes this guy, and he is especially fond of that fact that he can teach him a lot about chemistry.

Nothing in this life is certain. Nothing is guaranteed. When you find something great, it requires hard work and appreciation. It can be really hard to open up to new possibilities, but it is almost always worth it. I have promised myself that I will not let my fear of the unknown stop me from discovering new and beautiful things. And this is certainly no exception.