Father's Day

Dear Bill,

It's Father's Day. Our first one without you. I struggle every single day knowing you aren't here to parent these children with me. I struggle knowing that I will never be able to give them everything you would have. I cannot give you back to them and that is what upsets me the most. The kids are too young to realize what they will be missing out on without you here, which is heartbreaking in and of itself. While I don't know the details of what would have been, I do know their lives would have been enriched in countless ways with you here to father them. And I also know that you would have done anything possible to be here raising them if you were given the chance.

Your fatherhood was cut short by someone with very messed up priorities, and that isn't fair. But that's the way it is. You were denied so much, and so were the kids. My grief has many layers and it has become as much a part of me as another other physical part of my body. I am learning to swim through its waves and walk through its valleys. I am learning to love, even in the wake of loss. Most importantly though, I am learning that grief exists because of love. In all of the places that love is woven in to our lives, so will grief be should that love suddenly have no place to go.

I grieve the time that you lost with the boys.

I grieve those first moments we had together after each of the children were born. No one else will ever share the love we both felt for those babies.

I grieve all of the pride that radiated from you for having three sons.

I grieve watching you be a father to them.

I grieve all the things you would have taught them and all of the experiences you would have shared with them. Maybe someday they will have someone else to help guide them in the way only a father can, and maybe they won't.

I grieve all of the life and love and every minor detail of everything you would have ever shared with them, and all of us.


What can I do with all of this? What can I teach our children in an effort to help them navigate through life's storms?


I can continue to show them love, and how to give our love to others.

I can live a life of gratitude, instead of one of fear.

I can show them that while nothing is promised, we can still be hopeful and work hard to achieve our dreams.

I can help them to realize that just because our reality turned out different than we thought it would, we can still have a happy and beautiful family unit, whatever that may end up looking like.

I can continue to remind them of the person that you were and how much you loved them.

I can teach them that life can be very hard, but it can also be very wonderful. And while some of the hard times may test us beyond a point we deem unimaginable, it is how we carry ourselves through that makes all the difference.

I can rejoice in the life that we had together, even through my grief.