Sending our Love

 Dear Bill, 

I miss you. 

This does not get easier. No amount of joy could ever take away the pain of losing you. I get better at managing it as time goes on, but it is still really hard. 

Today is Blake's birthday. You became a father 15 years ago and you crushed fatherhood in every way possible for those short nine years. I know being a dad was one of your greatest joys in life and I am so sorry that was taken from you so soon. Along with everything else. I am doing what I can for the boys and sometimes I feel like it just isn't enough. A long time ago I resigned to the fact that I cannot be you.  They are all growing up so much and you would be so proud of them. 

Blake is on the edge of manhood and it is shocking. He is taking driver's ed right now, which terrifies me. It will take nearly everything I have not to wrap him in bubble wrap from head to toe once he actually starts driving. I measured him today and he is almost 4 inches taller than me and has the beginnings of a mustache. He is racing on the hight school track team, getting straight A's, and has a part time job lined up for summer. He is such delight and I cannot believe he will be out of the house in a little over three years. I will surely break over this.

Landon is pre-pubescent and has ALL    THE    MOODS to show for it. I guess I had that coming, but damn. He is so sensitive and caring and he still loves to snuggle with me. He is still playing the guitar and really enjoys cyclocross and lacrosse. He is really liking middle school and the newfound independence that comes along with it. He told me recently he wants to get a summer job so he can earn his own money. Since it is technically illegal for someone to hire a kid his age, I have decided to employ him as our summer lawn care specialist. Hopefully the money management piece of this goes well and I'm not just direct depositing to the candy store. 

Owen is, well..... he's you. They are all you in different ways, but he is so you. He's got your same blue eyes and that straight fine hair he wears in a buzz cut like you used to. He loves math and told me, unprovoked, on the chair lift one day this winter that he wants to study math and computers in college. He has your strong, compact physique and takes your same form when he walks or runs. He mostly runs. And, the kids is FAST. He is kind and loving, but doesn't stay in one place for too long because there is life to be lived and things to do.

You will be pleased to know that David thoroughly enjoys his rice cooker, and uses it quite regularly. I see what you did there. I also think you would appreciate his culinary skills when it comes to making breakfast, given that that meal was your forte as well. He even warms the plates in the oven before putting food on them. He is such a gem, and that extends well beyond the plate-warming. 

I hope you enjoy the complex mathematical equations Keely puts on the giant whiteboard you installed.  It's like watching, "A Beautiful Mind," and I always feel like you are nearer when I walk by the office and see it on the wall. I am really going to miss that, among other things, when she leaves for college in the fall. I will keep watching for the other signs you send us. 

We are loving you and missing you as much as always. I hope you can feel that. 

Forever and always, 

Bri