5 years

 Dear Bill, 

It has been five years. Five years that feels like a lifetime. 

They say at some point we will think of our loved ones who have died and smile instead of cry. I am not there yet. Every photo, every video, and so many memories tug at my heartstrings and I cannot help but to well up with tears and wish that I could wrap my arms around you. 

I miss you. This is so hard. I feel like I should be getting my five year pin or something. Although, let's be real here, a pin would be a completely inadequate token for what I have been through. Maybe an all expenses paid trip to the greek isles? That seems more appropriate. 

I am still haunted by the memory of three-year-old Owen asking repeatedly, "Where's my daddy? Is daddy at work? When is daddy coming home?" This went on for several weeks. How do you explain death to a three-year-old? What a mind-fuck that must have been for him. It was for all of us really, and still is in many ways. The actuality of your death astounds me. Almost daily, I pause and wonder how this happened to us. 

The kids are growing and changing so much, and I hate that you are not here for all of it. If I'm being completely honest, I would also say that I would really love it if you were here to help me parent them because this is HARD. Being a mother to these boys is my greatest joy. Raising them without you is my Everest. Hopefully I am getting it mostly right. Sometimes I find myself getting upset with you because you aren't here to help me with all of this, and then I just end up feeling like an asshole because of course you would be here if you could.  

Blake is bigger than I am now. His voice is getting deeper and he is becoming more like a man every day. He has his first job this summer and he is such a great kid and I am so proud of him. He will go to high school in the fall and I am trying really hard to keep my shit together about that. Landon will start middle school this year. He is equal parts affectionate mama's boy and limit tester. Owen is going to third grade, after which he will likely be ready to run a major company with his tenacity and fervent negotiation skills. We leave for vacation next week and for the last month he has been asking me what he should pack and he wants an itinerary of our traveling plans and our activity list. He is someone who needs ALL THE DETAILS. 

 I still feel somewhat broken inside, and I have found love and happiness again. Sometimes I am so full of emotion that I don't even know what to feel. All of the grief and pain for all that we had and all that would have been coupled with all the love and devoting I am giving to this new relationship is a lot for one person to carry around. But I am ok. My hair is graying faster than I would like to admit, I have a hip that is degenerating faster than it should for someone my age and there is a hip replacement in my future, and I may or may not have age spots starting on my hands. Maybe it's better you aren't here to witness all of that. 

We miss you like crazy, and we are ok. I want you to know that. Our grief is profound and our pain is deep, and we are laughing and smiling and our hearts are full of love and joy. Every day I hate that you are not here. And I am ok. That is the duality that I, and most who loved you, will have to live with for the rest of our lives. This is part of our human experience. 

We love you so much and we are so grateful for all you gave to us and for the time we had with you. I hope you are checking in on us and you can see these kids growing and doing their thing. 

You are loved more than we could ever put into words,

Bri

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