Letter #11

Dear Bill,

I have a confession. 

I threw a glass across the living room the other day and watched it shatter into a million pieces. 

I have been waiting four and a half years to do that. 

Then I proceeded to clean it up, alone and full of emotion. A metaphor of sorts. 

I'm not proud of this and we can just go ahead and add this to all the other things I have doubted myself on these last four and a half years. Widowed parenting is a cruel thing. I am trying really hard to hold it all together. Trying to be too many things to so many people. And I am breaking. There is little relief from the daily grind, with the isolation and stay at home orders this pandemic has forced us into. So many people are sick, way too many have died, and don't even get me started on the recent election. Also, it's the holidays and your birthday is coming up. 

All the kids are home, doing on-line school, full time. 

Yeah.

Facilitating second grade on-line learning to our 8-year-old, who was recently diagnosed with ADHD, is every bit as thrilling as it sounds. Having our kids home all the time doing on-line school is stressful. These poor kids are trying so hard, and missing out on so much socially, not to mention the benefits of in-person instruction. I would venture to say they are handling it so much better than I think we adults are, even though we know most of them are hating it and counting the minutes until they are allowed to go back to the classroom. I realize I should be grateful for this extra time with our children, and appreciating the slowed schedules due to activities or events that have either been cancelled or cut short, and I have done that. But I also need a fucking break. We all do. 

Everyone, everywhere needs a break right now. 

The older Owen gets, the more apparent it is to me how much of you he has missed out on. He doesn't have the concrete memories of you that the other two do, and that crushes me. I think he mostly misses the idea of you. All the things he knows about you are what his brothers and I, and other people have told him. It is not lost on me that he is the one who looks the most like you. Landon had a total melt down in the car recently. On the way home from cyclocross practice, no less. "It's so hard to not have a daddy! I miss my daddy!" He was sobbing and I was trying not to cry too hard because I was driving and getting in to a car wreck is basically the last thing I need right now. Blake, God bless him, has taken this all in stride. He misses you and we cry together sometimes, but he says he doesn't find himself thinking about you all the time. He took your death pretty hard, and he has made such an incredible transformation. I will never forget telling him about what had happened to you and watching him fall completely apart. That was the single most devastating moment in all of my motherhood. They still cry for you at times and it is so hard not be able to give them relief from that pain. To watch my children suffer is absolute torture. It still pains me to see your picture or hear a recording of your voice. I still cry. And I am so incredibly grateful of all that we had and I find great joy in your memory. And I know that without all of that gratitude, we would not have everything we have now.

They say life is what you make it. We are fully intent on living our lives full of love and purpose. Anger and bitterness don't serve anyone well.  Life is full of suffering. That is the human experience. It's how you navigate the pain and suffering and what you do with those experiences that sets the course for your future. Even though this life is not turning out how we thought it would, it is turning out pretty great. 

We miss you like crazy. But we are ok. We are loved, and giving love, and living our lives in the forward direction.

But my God, do we miss you. 

P.S. We got a cat. Her name is Pepper. I can almost see you cringing at the thought, as you were never one for cats. David loves cats, and I love David so these are the things we do for love. I would never have considered myself a cat person before either, but she is pretty cute and we are all having a lot of fun with her. She's been a pretty fun addition to our family.