New Year
Dear Bill,
It is New Years Day, 2020. The holidays have come and gone, along with your birthday. It's a new year, with the potential for growth, change, and new possibilities. And another year we will navigate without you. This is all still very hard and I know by now that that will never change. The grief and pain has become a part of all of us who miss you, in varying degrees. When I think of my own grief, it just sort of feels like a horrifying, inoperable tumor. Sometimes I feel bad about this, because it makes me seem somehow tainted or not whole. But I know that this is not really true. They say that those who have been in the darkness are better able to appreciate all that shines. That is true for me. I see the world through a different lens now. My perspective on life and all it's experiences has changed, for the better. There is a great deal of sadness that lives in me, but there is also hope, love, excitement and determination for the future.
The boys and I traveled back to Iowa for Thanksgiving. Never say never. David went with us, and thoroughly enjoyed his maiden voyage to small town Iowa. The weather was dreary and cold, which was oddly fitting and David actually remarked at one point, "This is a different kind of cold!" Welcome to Iowa. We met up with several people during our short time there, both friends and family, most of whom knew you well and had a deep adoration, if not love, for you. David handled all this with his usual ease and grace, and he was welcomed with open arms by all of them. For Christmas, Dave and I took all the kids to Steamboat to ski for several days at the beginning of their school holiday break. We celebrated your birthday while we were there in our usual fashion with tacos and peanut butter cake. The skiing was fantastic, everyone had a great time, and the cake made the 3 hour trek in the car unscathed so all in all the trip was a success. We celebrated Christmas day here at home, and had all the kids this year which was really great. And now here we are in the new year.
I managed to make it through the entire season relatively well. I guess that means that all the work I have done, not to mention the thousands of dollars I have spent, in therapy these past three and a half years has not been in vain. Bring on the future.
The boys are doing well. Thriving in school, their social lives, and activities. They are sad that you are gone, and they miss you and some days are not great, but overall they are happy and well adjusted. They still see the therapist every few months, and they have made great strides, although I know each age and milestone will bring its own challenges with the grief as time goes on. The hardest part of all this for me, is watching them and knowing you are not able to be here for any of this. You were snatched from them, from all of us, in a matter of seconds and they will not know you as the father that you would have been to them. Knowing all the things you will miss out on in their lives crushes me. They have something that not all grieving children have though, and that gives me comfort. Theirs is a bond that will continue to deepen as time goes on, and they grieve you together as brothers and your sons. They have each other. They will always have each other.
Your light and love will continue to shine for us and we will carry it with us into another year. Even on the darkest of days, we can find strength in your memory. Happy new year. Love you always. - Bri
It is New Years Day, 2020. The holidays have come and gone, along with your birthday. It's a new year, with the potential for growth, change, and new possibilities. And another year we will navigate without you. This is all still very hard and I know by now that that will never change. The grief and pain has become a part of all of us who miss you, in varying degrees. When I think of my own grief, it just sort of feels like a horrifying, inoperable tumor. Sometimes I feel bad about this, because it makes me seem somehow tainted or not whole. But I know that this is not really true. They say that those who have been in the darkness are better able to appreciate all that shines. That is true for me. I see the world through a different lens now. My perspective on life and all it's experiences has changed, for the better. There is a great deal of sadness that lives in me, but there is also hope, love, excitement and determination for the future.
The boys and I traveled back to Iowa for Thanksgiving. Never say never. David went with us, and thoroughly enjoyed his maiden voyage to small town Iowa. The weather was dreary and cold, which was oddly fitting and David actually remarked at one point, "This is a different kind of cold!" Welcome to Iowa. We met up with several people during our short time there, both friends and family, most of whom knew you well and had a deep adoration, if not love, for you. David handled all this with his usual ease and grace, and he was welcomed with open arms by all of them. For Christmas, Dave and I took all the kids to Steamboat to ski for several days at the beginning of their school holiday break. We celebrated your birthday while we were there in our usual fashion with tacos and peanut butter cake. The skiing was fantastic, everyone had a great time, and the cake made the 3 hour trek in the car unscathed so all in all the trip was a success. We celebrated Christmas day here at home, and had all the kids this year which was really great. And now here we are in the new year.
I managed to make it through the entire season relatively well. I guess that means that all the work I have done, not to mention the thousands of dollars I have spent, in therapy these past three and a half years has not been in vain. Bring on the future.
The boys are doing well. Thriving in school, their social lives, and activities. They are sad that you are gone, and they miss you and some days are not great, but overall they are happy and well adjusted. They still see the therapist every few months, and they have made great strides, although I know each age and milestone will bring its own challenges with the grief as time goes on. The hardest part of all this for me, is watching them and knowing you are not able to be here for any of this. You were snatched from them, from all of us, in a matter of seconds and they will not know you as the father that you would have been to them. Knowing all the things you will miss out on in their lives crushes me. They have something that not all grieving children have though, and that gives me comfort. Theirs is a bond that will continue to deepen as time goes on, and they grieve you together as brothers and your sons. They have each other. They will always have each other.
Your light and love will continue to shine for us and we will carry it with us into another year. Even on the darkest of days, we can find strength in your memory. Happy new year. Love you always. - Bri
Comments
Post a Comment