3 Years and Change

It has been a little over three years since he was taken from us. With no explanation other than what we can deduce was an act resulting from a very selfish and entitled lifestyle. I never imagined I would make it this far. I didn't think I would make it even three days. But here we are. After Bill died, I promised myself and my children that I would not live a life of misery. And so far, I have kept that promise. I will not relive the horrific details of his death, or what those final moments must have been like for him. I will not carry around the agony and indescribable sadness I felt those first few months. Nor will I let the immeasurable grief take over my every existence. I go there sometimes, but I will not live there. The boys and I have experienced a tremendous amount of growth these past three years. We have allowed our hearts to expand in ways we could have never imagined. Allowing so much more love to flow, but also putting ourselves at risk for more heartache, as grief is the price of love. We try to focus on all the beauty that has come into our lives since he left. We don't dwell on the young woman sitting in a prison cell who gets to continue living. What was greater than her greed and carelessness, was the love and kindness from both friends and complete strangers. Some of whom we have never met to this day.

I do not believe that everything happens for a reason. I think that is something people tell themselves, or others, who are going through something they will likely never experience, so that they can find solace in having an answer. I believe that sometimes yes, things do happen for a reason, but also, sometimes things just happen. And in the case of a horrific tragedy, the ones left behind have to pick up the pieces as best we can. And what doesn't kill us doesn't necessarily make us stronger. And time does not heal all wounds. It takes a hell of a lot of hard work, which sometimes involves spending a considerable amount of money on therapy bills, and determination for us to get moving in the forward direction again. And in some ways we will still be broken beyond repair. That's what grief and trauma can do to us.

I am so tired of him being dead. I'm tired of the grief and trauma and the missing him. And the fact that I will endure all of this for the rest of my life seems nothing short of daunting. Being left to raise these three children that are extensions of him is completely overwhelming at times. Parenting is hard. Single parenting is incredibly challenging. And widowed parenting is some serious bullshit.

I realize that none of really know what the hell we are doing and we are all just doing the best we can with what we have. And some days, I don't have much. And that is the honest to God truth. 

I say all of this, knowing that I have a beautiful life. I have lived a beautiful life with Bill and I will continue to live one without him. I love David so very much and love the three children and all of the people he has brought into my life. He is wonderful and he makes my heart soar in ways I could never have imagined. Our life can be complicated at times, but I am so glad to be doing it with him. Love after loss is a truly amazing and beautiful thing. If I have learned nothing else, I have learned that we need to continue to have hope and celebrate all that we have been given.