Transitions

Re-partnering after loss and divorce requires an immense amount of patience and understanding. He can't fix my pain and I can't fix his. And although we are living together and raising our family together, we are still learning about each other. And discovering new things about ourselves. We aren't the same people we were when we were with our previous spouses. We have a different outlook on life. Some of the ideals and beliefs we had in the past have been abandoned. And new ones have been adopted.

All of this transition, both the letting go and embracing the new, can be overwhelming at times. It is also very rewarding.  Dreams died. A person died. Time was stolen. Promises were broken. Families fell apart. Children were left standing in the rubble while their parents were left to pick up the pieces and move forward with their lives. And two people found each other when it may have seemed that all hope was lost.

I harbor some guilt about how I was in my previous relationship. I know that Bill loved me and he was very happy in our relationship. But after a sudden death like that, without a goodbye or a chance to say certain things, it's common to feel guilt. I think about how I could have maybe been a better wife. At least in certain circumstances. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten angry with him for._____, or maybe I should have done ______ differently. I also have guilt because I get to be here and he does not. And sometimes I have guilt about missing him and loving him and being incredibly sad that he is gone, while loving another man and the life we are creating together. Not because I feel it is wrong to be loving another man, but because I want to be able to focus my energy on my current relationship and I don't want my sadness to take away from that. But that grief is a part of me and always will be. Ultimately, I have to surrender to that guilt and let it go. And that can be difficult.

Sometimes the surrender means crying alone in the car. Or in the closet. Or in the checkout line at the grocery store. Sometimes it's a good sweat session at the gym or outside to help free myself of the should haves and would haves and to allow me to focus on the now. Therapy. Having deep and sometimes difficult conversations with David. It means time away. With each other. Separately. With kids. Without kids.

Sometimes it can be really hard to focus on the present without letting our fears and insecurities about what happened in our previous relationships get in the way. But we can't spend our lives always looking in the rear view mirror, because that isn't really living. We just keep moving forward. Grateful for a second chance. Knowing that the love we share will carry us through so long as we keep that in focus. And while we continue on we carry with us both the joy and the sorrow as we move forward, together.