Dreams, Letter #6

Dear Bill,

Some people dream of fame and fortune. Some want to spend their lives climbing the corporate ladder. Some dream of traveling to far away lands. Others want to be the best at their sport.

I just wanted a family.

You and the kids were my dream.

I picked up your belongings from the state patrol recently. Everything that you were wearing that day, came home with me in a box. It was heartbreaking to go through it all. Why do I torture myself like this?

Because I regret the fact that I wasn't there with you at the end. I hate that they wouldn't let me see you and I wish I would have fought harder to do so. Because I didn't get to say goodbye. Because I had poured my life into you. Because you were my person and I was yours.

This loneliness is enough to make a person crazy. I know that I need to learn to be comfortable being alone, but I don't want to. That isn't how I want to live my live.

I miss being in a partnership. It's pretty incredible to be able to find someone to walk through life with. To share that commitment with another person. Someone with whom you can share all the joy and beauty of the world. All the ups and downs life gives you. That one person who holds your entire world. What a beautiful gift that is.

Today was a hard day for me. Those won't ever go away, unfortunately. And the kids showed me no mercy. Blake had a piano recital. Two of the kids were crying in the mudroom as we were leaving because, while I gave them a fifteen minute warning before we left, they did not use that time to tell me they needed a snack or get a toy to keep them busy in the car. So of course, I was a terrible mother for not wasting another fifteen minutes to let them do these things when we actually needed to walk out the door. Those same two spent the better part of the hour that we were at the recital flip-flopping in and out of their chairs and whining about how bored, hungry and thirsty they were. Tears were streaming down my face as I sat there, exhausted, looking at all of the other in tact families whose children were all behaving. After it was over we went to buy Landon some new shoes. We found two pair that fit him well, and the only real difference was that one appeared to be a newer model of the other with some weird design on the bottom. That one was also fifteen dollars more expensive. Not a huge deal, but he's seven. At the rate his feet are growing I'm going to take any opportunity to save a little money. He threw a fit when I told him we were getting the cheaper pair. Naturally. Once we got home it was time to make dinner and I could not get the grill to light to save my soul, so I had to bake the chicken which took longer. Owen acted like I hadn't fed him a solid meal in 2 weeks. And once it was all done and made, he basically refused to eat it.

Lots of tears today. Mostly from me.

I am hopeful that I can share a partnership with someone else someday. It will be a beautiful and amazing gift. And I know that someday all of this will get easier, but right now I am just praying I can make it that long.