Learning to embrace the "and"
Last night two of the kids needed help with their math.
TWO KIDS. NEEDED HELP. WITH MATH.
I hate math. It has never been my strong point. Bill, of course, was a math genius. I was trying to make dinner, deal with my whining 4-year-old, and help the two of them all at once. Naturally I started crying.
This is total bullshit, I thought.
He should be here, doing this with them. He was so much smarter than I am. Math, among other things, was definitely his wheelhouse. This is so unfair.
After I made dinner I managed to pull myself together and figure out how to teach long division AND measurement conversions. Thanks YouTube.
A couple days ago I was working on Owen's baby book, which I swore I would have finished by his fifth birthday and I have exactly three weeks to make good on that. Needless to say this little activity was torturous and should have been paired with a bottle of wine. Off to the liquor store I go.
Kidding.
Sort of.
Blake's cyclocross coach sent an email out to all the parents recently detailing all the basic bike mechanic skills we should be working on with our kids at home.
Sure. I'll get right on that. As soon as I figure out how to do all that stuff. I think I'm doing pretty well if I can get him and all the appropriate gear to the practices and races on time AND I can change a flat tire if need be.
God I miss him.
Life can really be so conflicting at times.
Yes I am in love again with a wonderful man. The love that we share has brought me great joy and gives me hope for our future. He is an amazing human being who, quite frankly, I didn't think I would ever be able to find. Most of the time I can hardly believe that this is real.
That love and happiness does not take any of this pain and grief away. It does not make any of the circumstances surrounding Bill's death OK. It doesn't mean that I still don't cry myself to sleep some nights. It does not take away the almost suffocation I feel at times from missing Bill. It does not change the fact that at the end of the day, I am here alone.
A friend told me recently that life is more about the "and" and not so much the "or." I can be both in love AND in pain. I can be both grateful AND upset. I can want so badly to move forward in life with this new love AND miss the life Bill and I shared. I can love both the old AND the new. The past AND the present. It doesn't have to be one or the other.
TWO KIDS. NEEDED HELP. WITH MATH.
I hate math. It has never been my strong point. Bill, of course, was a math genius. I was trying to make dinner, deal with my whining 4-year-old, and help the two of them all at once. Naturally I started crying.
This is total bullshit, I thought.
He should be here, doing this with them. He was so much smarter than I am. Math, among other things, was definitely his wheelhouse. This is so unfair.
After I made dinner I managed to pull myself together and figure out how to teach long division AND measurement conversions. Thanks YouTube.
A couple days ago I was working on Owen's baby book, which I swore I would have finished by his fifth birthday and I have exactly three weeks to make good on that. Needless to say this little activity was torturous and should have been paired with a bottle of wine. Off to the liquor store I go.
Kidding.
Sort of.
Blake's cyclocross coach sent an email out to all the parents recently detailing all the basic bike mechanic skills we should be working on with our kids at home.
Sure. I'll get right on that. As soon as I figure out how to do all that stuff. I think I'm doing pretty well if I can get him and all the appropriate gear to the practices and races on time AND I can change a flat tire if need be.
God I miss him.
Life can really be so conflicting at times.
Yes I am in love again with a wonderful man. The love that we share has brought me great joy and gives me hope for our future. He is an amazing human being who, quite frankly, I didn't think I would ever be able to find. Most of the time I can hardly believe that this is real.
That love and happiness does not take any of this pain and grief away. It does not make any of the circumstances surrounding Bill's death OK. It doesn't mean that I still don't cry myself to sleep some nights. It does not take away the almost suffocation I feel at times from missing Bill. It does not change the fact that at the end of the day, I am here alone.
A friend told me recently that life is more about the "and" and not so much the "or." I can be both in love AND in pain. I can be both grateful AND upset. I can want so badly to move forward in life with this new love AND miss the life Bill and I shared. I can love both the old AND the new. The past AND the present. It doesn't have to be one or the other.
Comments
Post a Comment