Letter #5

Dear Bill,

In case you were wondering how things were going lately, I will fill you in.

Blake is learning cursive at school, so I have to remember how to do that again which is super fun and not at all frustrating since I have the worst penmanship ever. Luckily he did not take after me in the writing department so he doesn't require a lot of help there. Another bonus for me... his teacher said that she rarely sends home math homework. Reason being is that if the students are having trouble with it in class, she doesn't want them going home and either risk getting too much help or (and this is the category I would fall into) having the person at home who is helping them actually not know the correct way to do it either. Fantastic. I am in awe of how grown up he is. He is such a sweet boy and he makes me so proud.

In 5th grade they have to chose an instrument to play for either band or orchestra. Blake chose the violin. I introduced him to your personal favorite, “The Devil Went Down to Georgia,” so now he is an aspiring fiddle player. That screeching noise you are hearing is him practicing.

It's cyclocross season and Blake is racing again, and I have also decided to race. Because I know very little about what I'm doing, and I broke my collarbone earlier this summer and this all seems like a great idea. Blake tried on his new skin suit yesterday and I cried. Because he looks so damn cute, and my God you would be so proud of him, and also, I MISS YOU. He was so excited for practice to start, even though this is something you were supposed to do TOGETHER. He is having a lot of fun with it, but not having you here to help guide him through it and cheer him on makes it very emotional for me.

Landon and Blake went to grief camp a few weeks ago. There’s something I never thought I would say. It was so good for them to be around other kids they could relate to. They had a great experience and want to go back next year.

Landon is doing well in second grade. He has the same teacher Blake had so both the teacher and Landon are pleased about that. He has really come into his own this past 6 months, so that’s been fun to watch. He’s a goofy kid, but still very sweet, which you wouldn’t guess by the looks of the Halloween costume he chose. It is quite vile. I suppose he gets that from me. He still likes to cuddle with me and I’m quite certain he would spend every night in my bed if I let him. He and Owen get along really well, until they don’t. And then they are throwing punches and basically trying to beat the tar out of each other. So that’s fun.

Owen is busy as ever. He can still throw a tantrum like nobody’s business, but thankfully they are getting fewer and farther between. He is doing soccer, and showing great speed and agility even at barely 5 years old. That is definitely where he takes after you. The tantrum throwing I can take full credit for (on my grandfather’s behalf), but speed and agility, that’s all you. He is a man who knows what he wants and he does not like to take “no” for an answer. Again, Grandpa Leroy. Thanks for that. This is his last year of preschool and when I go to pick him up, it is clear that he rules the schoolyard. What he lacks in stature, he makes up for with personality.

I started a foundation in your name. I want so badly to be able to give you back to everyone, so along with a few of our close friends, we are doing our best to make that possible. Also, I'm dating. I think you probably know that already though. He is a wonderful man and you would really like him. I could never have imagined feeling this way about someone after losing you. I really thought I was done, but luckily I was proven wrong. He is also a cyclist, a very good one at that, and had you ever met I think the two of you would have gotten along quite well. You have many similarities, but there are also differences too and that’s a good thing. Our relationship has brought me a lot of joy. The kids really like him too, which probably goes without saying, is bittersweet for me. I am so very grateful for him and for our relationship though, and I know it will bring even more beauty to our lives as time goes on.

We are doing ok, but this is all still really hard. We miss you so much. So much so, that “missing you” feels like a completely inadequate term. There isn’t much I wouldn’t do to be able to see you and talk to you once more. You were so amazing and we were so lucky and there is so much I want to be able to tell you. I am getting better all the time, at looking forward. Learning to live with the sorrow that is surrounded by all the joy this new life is bringing me. This may sound horrible, but I don’t sit around wishing for things to be different because I know it won’t do any good. I can wish the rest of my life away, and you will still be gone. We are making the most with what we have and honestly, we still have a lot.

But seriously, if you can figure out a way to come back for just like, 5 minutes, that would be awesome.

I hope you can feel how much we love you and miss you. You live inside all of us now and we know that your love will carry us on.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

-Bri