Letter #4

Dear Bill,

Where the hell are you?

We were supposed to do this together. Raising children was a mutual decision. And we were a great team. And then nine years and three kids in, you were taken away. Most days I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders from doing this alone. This widowed parenting thing is SO HARD. Somebody ALWAYS NEEDS SOMETHING. It is constant. And now I am the only one here to deal with it. I must hear "Mom," or "Mama," no less than 700 times a day. Someone is always whining. They bicker about the most ridiculous things. They want me to feed them ALL. THE. TIME. I don't remember the last time I took a shower without someone interrupting me because they need to poop, or they want a snack, or they are tattling on one of the others. And the questions. My God the questions.

"Are we there yet?"

"When is dinner?"

What are we having for dinner?"

"Can I have a friend over?"

"Can we watch a movie?"

"Why are going this way? Aren't you supposed to turn over there?"

"Why are you driving so slow?"

"Why are you driving fast?"

"How long do we have to wait?"

"What are we having for dinner?"

"Is three fourths the same as three quarters?"

"Why do I have to take a shower?"

"Can we go to Target and get some new legos?"

"Can you help me with this math problem?"

"Can I have a snack?"

"What are we having for dinner?"

"Why are you crying?"

Sometimes I just want to scream. "GO ASK YOUR FATHER!"

And I am constantly second guessing myself. Am I providing enough emotional support? How much therapy will they really need as they continue to get older? Am I screwing this all up? Am I being too hard on them when they act up? Should I be taking it easy on them because they have a dead dad?

People tell me that I am doing a great job and that you would be proud of me, and that you would likely have the same doubts and reservations had you been the surviving parent. Yeah, well easy for them to say. They don't have a dead spouse.

They can drive me to the brink of insanity, and then I stop and realize how much I love them and how they are all I have left of you and what a beautiful gift that is. Blake and Landon recently spent a night at sleep away camp and I was almost giddy with the anticipation of having only one child for 36 hours. You know what I did?

I MISSED THEM.  By the second day I was literally counting the hours until I went to pick them up. I could hardly contain myself.

At the end of the day, no matter how frustrated or exhausted the events of the day have left me, I am always so grateful that I have them. Thank you so much for giving me these blessings.

But seriously, this is actually really hard, so maybe we can work on some sort of psychic communication device so that I can get your help now and then. You were an engineer. I'm sure you can figure something out.

Love- Bri

Comments

  1. UnknownAugust 7, 2017 at 1:10 PM

    There is no correct way of parenting with or without a Mom or a Dad. I wish I were close enuf that you could just send them off to my house for a night or two now and then. All parents need a break from their kids, and single parents need it even worse! Don't be so hard on yourself. You will not screw them up. And I can assure you, that although Bill might have been able to do it alone, it would have been much harder for him than it is for you to do it alone. Men just aren't wired to do what we Mom's do. So pat yourself on the back once in awhile.....you are doing a good job. You've been dealt a really bad hand and you are playing your cards as well as you can!! Love you, mom

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