A New Love

After Bill died, my love became trapped deep inside of me. I couldn't see a way for it to ever be freed. I wanted so badly to be able to give it to someone and was afraid that would never be possible. I feared I wouldn't be able to ever let anyone in again. My heart had been so broken that I had warranted it beyond repair. A million pieces scattered amongst the ruins of of an unfathomable tragedy.

They told me it would happen.

I didn't believe them.

And to be perfectly honest, there was an element of fear in loving another man. I didn't think I could handle another loss again, if that were to happen.

I remember talking to my mother a few weeks after Bill died and telling her that I thought I was also dying. At the time I was feeling all the physical effects of traumatic loss and it was more than my body could physically handle. Over the next several months, and with the help of lots of trauma release therapy, my body slowly recovered and I got my energy back and didn't feel sick all the time and was able to live much as I had before. But I was robotic. Cold. Lacking much emotion except heartache. I felt like all the color had been drained from my world and everything, including myself, was gray. My friends and children brought me joy and love, but I was void of the kind of reciprocal love you can only have with a spouse or partner.

In those first few weeks of this new relationship I could feel myself slowly begin to warm up. The colors, while muted, were slowing reappearing into my world. I felt hopeful. Joy was returning to my life. I began to feel more like a human. Over the past several months those colors have become brighter and more bold. I have found happiness in this relationship. I have a deep gratitude for all that this relationship has given me and what it has opened my eyes to.

I don't have any guilt from loving another man. That's not how love works. I deserve this. We all do. Bill would want this for me. The capacity of the human heart is truly awe-inspiring. It is possible to love your spouse, who is no longer here, and also find another companion to share your love with. Your heart can ache for someone, while soaring for another. You can mourn what was, and what might have been, but also be joyful and excited about what is and what will be.

Amidst all of the sadness I have experienced, my heart has grown in ways I never thought possible. My love for Bill is just as strong as it was when he was alive, but it is now in a different dimension. At the same time, I am able to have and give love to someone new, and that has been a really amazing thing to experience.

This post is dedicated to both of the wonderful men I have been blessed with giving and receiving love. I will forever be grateful for the both of you.