Widow Struggles
From March 2016 (forgot to post)
I'm not very good at widowhood. I feel equally inadequate in the department of widowed parenting. I am trying, in vain to move forward with our lives, but I feel like all I am really doing is slogging through the muck and darkness, getting nowhere. It's like treading water. For days on end. Trying to use just enough energy to keep my head above the water, but not waste too much energy so I don't get so tired that I drown.
How does one remain sane through all of this? The anti-depressants are helping, but they certainly don't change my reality.
The kids are constantly pulling me in different directions with their activities, and needs and not to mention their grief. One wants me to read him a book, another needs help with his homework, and another one is trying to tell me about what happened at school My head is spinning while I try to attend to all of this and cook dinner at the same time. Trying desperately not lose my cool and start sobbing right there in the middle of it all.
I don't want to do any of it.
I am tired.
And scared.
And so damn lonely. I never knew a person could feel so hopelessly lonely.
I am an introvert. I love the company of my friends and family, but I also really love to be alone. I crave it at times. There is a fundamental difference between being alone, and being lonely. Loneliness comes with sadness and isolation. Desperation. Abandonment. Fear. It's a loud and ever present commotion in your brain that no one else can hear.
What I have come to learn about loss is that it is a vast emptiness, that in time may shrink, but I don't think it will ever completely disappear.
I'm not very good at widowhood. I feel equally inadequate in the department of widowed parenting. I am trying, in vain to move forward with our lives, but I feel like all I am really doing is slogging through the muck and darkness, getting nowhere. It's like treading water. For days on end. Trying to use just enough energy to keep my head above the water, but not waste too much energy so I don't get so tired that I drown.
How does one remain sane through all of this? The anti-depressants are helping, but they certainly don't change my reality.
The kids are constantly pulling me in different directions with their activities, and needs and not to mention their grief. One wants me to read him a book, another needs help with his homework, and another one is trying to tell me about what happened at school My head is spinning while I try to attend to all of this and cook dinner at the same time. Trying desperately not lose my cool and start sobbing right there in the middle of it all.
I don't want to do any of it.
I am tired.
And scared.
And so damn lonely. I never knew a person could feel so hopelessly lonely.
I am an introvert. I love the company of my friends and family, but I also really love to be alone. I crave it at times. There is a fundamental difference between being alone, and being lonely. Loneliness comes with sadness and isolation. Desperation. Abandonment. Fear. It's a loud and ever present commotion in your brain that no one else can hear.
What I have come to learn about loss is that it is a vast emptiness, that in time may shrink, but I don't think it will ever completely disappear.
Bri, these are the things the Judge needs to read. Your blog is amazing, true to how this has impacted your life. This is powerful! This is real! This is the result of someone else's selfish stupidity! Love, mom
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