Season of Hope
For a long time my life felt like an endless sea of darkness. I was struggling to keep my head above water. Struggling to not inhale too much water while my arms flailed around me. Struggling while so many people sat, calmly, in ships surrounding me. Watching me while quietly encouraging me to go on.
The voices are louder now and they are cheering for me. My flailing arms have found their stroke and I move with purpose. My breathing is relaxed and rhythmic. I am tired, but I feel myself getting stronger. I can see the shore. It is still a long way off, but it is visible. The sky is lighter and the clouds are beginning to part.
I have hope.
Today was Easter. There were some dark moments, but overall we had a good day. He should have been there last night with me, meticulously stuffing and hiding the easter eggs for today's hunt. This morning he should have been obsessing about setting up the camera at just the right spot in the yard to capture the video of the kids finding all the eggs. Instead he was there in the excitement of our children as they discovered their easter baskets. He was racing around the yard with them while they gleefully collected eggs and ate their candy. He was there in the sunlight that surrounded us while we had lunch with our friends on the deck and watched the kids play.
I am learning to have some acceptance about what should have been and what is. I can't spend my days living for what should have been. What we had was wonderful and what should have been would have also been wonderful, but it just is not reality anymore. We can still have wonderful, it's just going to look different that we had planned. And that's ok. If there was one thing that I learned from Bill, and there were many things, it's that we can have whatever we want as long as we are willing to work for it. The road may be long, but it is not endless.
It's spring now. It seemed impossible that I would ever see this season. After Bill died, it was almost as if we skipped the rest of the summer and the entire fall and went straight to winter. It was a long, cold, and lonely several months, but it's spring now. The sun is shining. Plants are blooming. Birds are singing. There is new life all around. And I am filled with hope.
The voices are louder now and they are cheering for me. My flailing arms have found their stroke and I move with purpose. My breathing is relaxed and rhythmic. I am tired, but I feel myself getting stronger. I can see the shore. It is still a long way off, but it is visible. The sky is lighter and the clouds are beginning to part.
I have hope.
Today was Easter. There were some dark moments, but overall we had a good day. He should have been there last night with me, meticulously stuffing and hiding the easter eggs for today's hunt. This morning he should have been obsessing about setting up the camera at just the right spot in the yard to capture the video of the kids finding all the eggs. Instead he was there in the excitement of our children as they discovered their easter baskets. He was racing around the yard with them while they gleefully collected eggs and ate their candy. He was there in the sunlight that surrounded us while we had lunch with our friends on the deck and watched the kids play.
I am learning to have some acceptance about what should have been and what is. I can't spend my days living for what should have been. What we had was wonderful and what should have been would have also been wonderful, but it just is not reality anymore. We can still have wonderful, it's just going to look different that we had planned. And that's ok. If there was one thing that I learned from Bill, and there were many things, it's that we can have whatever we want as long as we are willing to work for it. The road may be long, but it is not endless.
It's spring now. It seemed impossible that I would ever see this season. After Bill died, it was almost as if we skipped the rest of the summer and the entire fall and went straight to winter. It was a long, cold, and lonely several months, but it's spring now. The sun is shining. Plants are blooming. Birds are singing. There is new life all around. And I am filled with hope.
And I am crying.....because I know how hard this journey has been for you, and because I know how far you have come. I love you Bri, with all my heart, and those boys...I can't even measure my love. Hang on to your HOPE. It will take you where you are supposed to be. mom
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