Enough
Owen drew a picture last week, and when he finished he walked out into the living room and looked up at Bill's urn and said, "I drew this picture for daddy, but it won't fit inside his box."
This. SUCKS.
And this is why medication is necessary at this point.
I'm pretty sure my heart fell straight out of my body. What's left of it anyway.
Landon has been breaking down more often. I guess that's a good thing, but it literally comes out of no where. Like the other night, after he was done practicing piano he came out of the office in hysterics. I was upstairs folding laundry, because, where else would I be?? I thought he was hurt he was carrying on so much. I ran downstairs, expecting to see blood all over the place and when my initial assessment warranted no ER visit I tried to make out what he was saying. I finally got him to calm down enough to where I could understand him and he just kept yelling, "I want daddy! I want my daddy!" He sobbed for 20 minutes. So there I was, cooking dinner while carrying my bawling 6-year-old around the kitchen with me. Needless to say, the massage I had booked for the following morning was well deserved.
My mother keeps telling me that I am enough. God bless her. She wants so badly to fix this and make it all go away because she is my mother and it is so hard for her to see her daughter in such pain, but she and I both know that I am not. I am not enough and I never will be. If I were, my children wouldn't be in therapy. They wouldn't be wandering around the house saying, "I miss daddy. mama. I love daddy." They wouldn't become hysterical at any random time, crying and pleading for their father. They miss their dad. They need him, and no matter what I do, I cannot give him to them.
Tonight TWO of them were crying at the same time. I'm really struggling to see how I can continue to manage all of this and somehow take care of myself at the same time.
Bill's birthday is in two days.
We should be celebrating and toasting him while he blows out his candles. His life was so beautiful and so worthy of celebration.
Instead I am left to wonder how the hell I am going to get us all through this mess.
All the while knowing, that I will never be enough.
This. SUCKS.
And this is why medication is necessary at this point.
I'm pretty sure my heart fell straight out of my body. What's left of it anyway.
Landon has been breaking down more often. I guess that's a good thing, but it literally comes out of no where. Like the other night, after he was done practicing piano he came out of the office in hysterics. I was upstairs folding laundry, because, where else would I be?? I thought he was hurt he was carrying on so much. I ran downstairs, expecting to see blood all over the place and when my initial assessment warranted no ER visit I tried to make out what he was saying. I finally got him to calm down enough to where I could understand him and he just kept yelling, "I want daddy! I want my daddy!" He sobbed for 20 minutes. So there I was, cooking dinner while carrying my bawling 6-year-old around the kitchen with me. Needless to say, the massage I had booked for the following morning was well deserved.
My mother keeps telling me that I am enough. God bless her. She wants so badly to fix this and make it all go away because she is my mother and it is so hard for her to see her daughter in such pain, but she and I both know that I am not. I am not enough and I never will be. If I were, my children wouldn't be in therapy. They wouldn't be wandering around the house saying, "I miss daddy. mama. I love daddy." They wouldn't become hysterical at any random time, crying and pleading for their father. They miss their dad. They need him, and no matter what I do, I cannot give him to them.
Tonight TWO of them were crying at the same time. I'm really struggling to see how I can continue to manage all of this and somehow take care of myself at the same time.
Bill's birthday is in two days.
We should be celebrating and toasting him while he blows out his candles. His life was so beautiful and so worthy of celebration.
Instead I am left to wonder how the hell I am going to get us all through this mess.
All the while knowing, that I will never be enough.
Well, now I'm crying....again. That girl needs to see this, she needs to see what she has done to those darling little boys. She didn't just take one life that day, she messed up the lives of so many who loved him, love him still. This is so wrong. Life for the Bachman/Davis family will never be the same again. She took all that away. We are left here to move on without him, and that is Hell....she needs to know this Hell!! She f'd up my daughter's life and 3 of my beautiful grandsons have to suffer for her f'ing stupidity! A plea of "not guilty" shows no remorse in my opinion. She doesn't think she did anything wrong. Makes me physically ill what she has put my family through. I'm a Mom....don't mess with my kids, and if you mess with my grandkids there will be Hell to pay!
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