Chasing My Blessings

Let's talk for a minute about PTSD and it's partners, anxiety and depression. It is relentless. It is all consuming. It is horrifying. It is exhausting. It holds a grip so tight, you have trouble catching your breath. It causes frequent panic attacks. I have the last seconds of my husband's life on constant reply in my mind. Even if I'm not actively thinking about it, it's there in my subconscious. I wasn't even there to witness his last moments, but I have pieced together the details from what I have been told from the witnesses, his riding buddy, and those who were present in court the day they went over all of the evidence. I have flashbacks of the text I received from a friend of his when I first learned there had been an accident. I am so tired, but I don't want to go to bed at night. It's cold and empty and my thoughts run wild. I have difficulty falling asleep and I wake up every 3-4 hours. I have terrible nightmares, that don't really ...

Dear Bill, Blake had his first cyclocross race last weekend. He was so brave. You would have been so proud. It was so hard not having you there. Not having you to take him on his warm-up ride or coach him through his race strategy. Not being able to watch you race. I miss that. You had so much passion for the sport. I know you were there in spirit, but that isn't enough. That's not how it should be. Your friends all came out to support Blake, and in the end, it was really me who benefited from having them there. It was so heartwarming to have them there, running all over the course cheering him on, just like you would have done. I could hear your voice in my head, yelling for him. The course was long and challenging, especially for the kids. Watching him climb the 5280 steps was really something. That is a challenging feat for an adult, but for a kid who only weighs 57 pounds to have to run up them carrying a bike that weighs at least 10 pounds is pretty amazing to watch....

Dear Bill, I am so sorry this happened to you. I miss you so much. I can't stand the thought of having to do this life without you. I am so sad and angry for what that girl took away from you. From us. I would give anything to go back to that afternoon and tell you not to go for that ride. But how could we have known? I never worried about you before, so why would that day have been any different? I want you to know that you were the best thing that ever happened to me. My life could have been so different, and I'm so glad it wasn't. I am so glad you picked me. You gave me everything, and more, than I ever wanted. I could never thank you enough. You loved me even at my worst times. You made me a mother to the three most wonderful boys. I hope I was able to give you all that you gave to me. The community is outraged over this. How could this happen to someone so wonderful? Someone who gave everything his all. Someone so many looked up to. We are all so sad. Our friends...

I traveled to California last week for a couple of days. About a month after Bill died,  Every time I acknowledge it, it feels like someone is ripping my heart out. This is real right? ...a good friend from California offered to buy me a plane ticket and take me to a Dave Matthews concert. Who's going to say no to Dave? I was apprehensive, but agreed knowing it was something I needed to do. I didn't really understand how difficult it would be until I got there. I got the kids all squared away with my aunt and the graduate student/nanny that lives with us. I knew they would be in good hands, and Lord knows I left them enough instructions to get them through more than just the 48hours I would be gone for. I managed to get parked and zip through security in record time. It's amazing how quickly that goes when you don't have children in tow and you aren't checking bags. While sitting in the terminal waiting for my flight I had a minor panic attack and I started cr...