Trauma

We took our first family vacation last week without him, and I managed to get through the week without any major breakdowns. I had been dreading it since the day he died. It was a trip that would also include his parents, his sister and her family, and his brother and his brother's girlfriend. The last time we were all together was right after he died, so there was no telling how it was all going to go down. It was honestly not nearly as bad as I was expecting. Yes, it was hard not having him there, but it was comforting to be around the rest of his family. We spent the week in San Diego, soaking up the sun and sand and all the fun that Lego Land has to offer. The kids had a blast and I guess that is really all that matters.

I was anxious to get home, but honestly now that I'm here I'm still anxious. I can't get comfortable no matter where I am. Nothing feels right. Often times I find myself pacing back and forth just looking for something to occupy my mind. I feel like I am on the verge of a panic attack, and I can't decide if I need to sob or throw up. A good friend, who also happens to be a therapist, told me that the initial shock is wearing off and now the trauma is setting in. So. Much. Trauma. My head is spinning and I'm terrified. I am so completely shaken by this.

What if something happens to me? What if something happens to one of the kids or someone else I love? Are we going to be ok living here with so little family around to help? Do my kids feel abandoned because he left so suddenly? Are the survivor benefits from Bill's work going to be enough for us to live on? How am I going to do all of this by myself? What if my kids are screwed up from all this? Am I going to lose friends over this? How do I make my kids feel safe after all they have been through? Are people going to forget him? What if no one else ever loves me like that again? What if I can't fully love someone else again? How do I raise my kids to make them believe that it really does matter for them to be good people, even though bad things can still happen to them? ...

 These and other thoughts occupy my mind at any given moment and I do not know what to do with myself. I keep reading, in all of these grief books, that once I come out of all of this and I can heal I will be whole again but I will be different. I don't want to be different. I want to be the same person I was before tragedy came and wrecked me.

My yoga instructor said today, as we were holding a pose for what seemed like an eternity, "Don't give up because it hurts. Work through the pain." I guess that's what I have to do. Every day. Until I can come out on the other side of this. If there is another side.


Comments

  1. UnknownAugust 16, 2016 at 6:59 AM

    All good questions and reason for concern Bri. I wish I had the answers. One thing I know to be true, in my 62 years on this side, Nothing stays the same. Everything changes, constantly. Death changes things the most of all, it changes everything around us. You will grow from this, and yes, you will be different because of it. That makes me sad, because as your mom, I love the person you are, you were prior to this tragedy. I will love you still after you become new again. This has changed all of us, and non of us will ever be the same again. I cry most every day, usually on my way to work, which is why I don't bother with make-up anymore.....what's the point?! I talk to God in the car, I talk to Bill, I ask questions on how to deal with this, I get angry, I get sad. I tell Bill to somehow make you happy again, to make that his top priority. There is one thing that keeps me going, and that is LOVE. Love is so powerful, it is God's gift to all of us. God is love, without love we are nothing at all. You have Bill's love forever Bri, and there is more love yet to come. Your children have their Daddy's love forever, and they have your love. They will be different as they grow though this as well, but the love will always be there, that is constant. Nothing lasts forever, except for love. Love you more everyday, Mom

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  2. UnknownAugust 16, 2016 at 10:22 PM

    Bri, I think about you every day and reading your blog makes me think hard about things, laugh, cry, love more and most of all focus on trying (and I mean just trying) to be awesome. I didn't know you had a blog and went back and read every single post. You're an amazing writer and what's crazy is even in your time of grief/trauma/all of the above you still have the amazing ability to find humor and to write from your heart. It will take time but you will find you. I just know it- and along the way, through Bill, you're making us all better people.

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