Chasing My Blessings

Your death left a permanent hole inside of us and the ache we feel serves as a constant reminder of all the love we shared and the joy you brought to our lives. Our three boys are pieces of you and I am so grateful to have them every day.   One got your bright smile and amiable nature. He got your love and curiosity for all things electronic, and patience with me when I don't understand how they work.  One got your laugh and your creativity. In your likeness, he never hesitates to show his love for me and others he holds close to his heart.  And that last one... well in addition to your sparkling blue eyes he got your speed and tenacity. Never one to be still, and a love for math he is you through and through.  And they all got your loving spirit.  I still find it inconceivable that you were taken from us and I am doing my best to accept the unknown. We will always be grateful for the day you were brought into this world and we will continue to celebrate yo...

 6 years.  Time flies? No, time is a thief.  Summer is almost over now and the kids will be heading back to school soon. I woke up the one morning in June in tears, which always a fun way to wake up, from a vision I had of standing over your casket. Ok so it was really a box. I didn't spring for the high dollar casket beautifully handcrafted of the finest wood, only to then be incinerated a few weeks later. I mean come on. I may have been completely mired in my grief, barely knowing my own name at times, but I still had the ability to make sound economic decisions. During this dream I was begging you not to be dead and reminding you that we had promised to do this TOGETHER. I had not signed up for the utter bullshit that is widowed/single parenting. I battled a bulging disc in my neck for most of May and all of June that caused me to have horrific nerve pain 24/7. It's as if the universe was saying, "You know, June isn't quite hard enough for her. Let's go ahead an...

 Dear Bill,  I miss you.  This does not get easier. No amount of joy could ever take away the pain of losing you. I get better at managing it as time goes on, but it is still really hard.  Today is Blake's birthday. You became a father 15 years ago and you crushed fatherhood in every way possible for those short nine years. I know being a dad was one of your greatest joys in life and I am so sorry that was taken from you so soon. Along with everything else. I am doing what I can for the boys and sometimes I feel like it just isn't enough. A long time ago I resigned to the fact that I cannot be you.  They are all growing up so much and you would be so proud of them.  Blake is on the edge of manhood and it is shocking. He is taking driver's ed right now, which terrifies me. It will take nearly everything I have not to wrap him in bubble wrap from head to toe once he actually starts driving. I measured him today and he is almost 4 inches taller than me and has...