Chasing My Blessings

Dear Bill, I have a confession.  I threw a glass across the living room the other day and watched it shatter into a million pieces.  I have been waiting four and a half years to do that.  Then I proceeded to clean it up, alone and full of emotion. A metaphor of sorts.  I'm not proud of this and we can just go ahead and add this to all the other things I have doubted myself on these last four and a half years. Widowed parenting is a cruel thing. I am trying really hard to hold it all together. Trying to be too many things to so many people. And I am breaking. There is little relief from the daily grind, with the isolation and stay at home orders this pandemic has forced us into. So many people are sick, way too many have died, and don't even get me started on the recent election. Also, it's the holidays and your birthday is coming up.  All the kids are home, doing on-line school, full time.  Yeah. Facilitating second grade on-line learning to our 8-year-old,...

Dear Bill, Today is my 40th birthday. It is hard to believe you aren't here. Next week will mark 4 years since your death. I can hardly believe it. I will never get used to you being gone. I will never fully get over the shock of it all. We miss you like crazy. You are a part of our regular conversation and are always in our thoughts. There are days when my longing for you makes me want to crawl out of my own skin. I can hardly stand it. I miss us. I miss our old life. I miss making memories and creating a family with you. And I love this new life. The last four years have aged me much more than I would have liked, and at the same time they have given me some pretty amazing blessings. While my anxiety is crippling at times, I am still able to look around and appreciate all that we have been given. I feel so much love for Dave and all these kids and I am so grateful for that every day. I have accepted that I will live the rest of my life in a permanent state of duality.  Dav...

Dear Bill, Things have been stressful these past few weeks. We were notified that the woman who killed you is being considered for half-way house placement, not even four years into her twelve year prison sentence. Twelve years is hardly adequate for what she did that day, and the choices she made in the years leading up to that day, and while the half-way house does not appear to be even on par with Motel 6, it would be an upgrade none the less. I will fight this as best I can. The governing board has already received close to probably 30-40 letters from supporters on our behalf showing their protest. I will go before the board and read a statement and do what I can to bring what little justice can be served here. But I fear it will not be enough. The system doesn't work for us. It works for them. While I realize there needs to be more work done to make these offenders rehabilitated so they can contribute positively to society once the are released, it is absurd to think she is ...

Dear Bill, It is New Years Day, 2020. The holidays have come and gone, along with your birthday. It's a new year, with the potential for growth, change, and new possibilities. And another year we will navigate without you. This is all still very hard and I know by now that that will never change. The grief and pain has become a part of all of us who miss you, in varying degrees. When I think of my own grief, it just sort of feels like a horrifying, inoperable tumor. Sometimes I feel bad about this, because it makes me seem somehow tainted or not whole. But I know that this is not really true. They say that those who have been in the darkness are better able to appreciate all that shines. That is true for me. I see the world through a different lens now. My perspective on life and all it's experiences has changed, for the better. There is a great deal of sadness that lives in me, but there is also hope, love, excitement and determination for the future. The boys and I travel...