Chasing My Blessings

Dear Bill, Yesterday was your birthday. You would be 38, which to me feels a lot older than it should. I guess that comes with the territory. We ate tacos and the boys and I made a peanut butter cake in your honor. I broke two toes this past weekend and I flooded our kitchen the previous week while replacing the filter for our reverse osmosis system. My dad got a very panicked phone call from a very wet me. I got it figured out, and I am confident in myself enough to do it correctly next time so I won't be buying additional flood insurance. We had a door break off one of the cabinet hinges and I think I will save that for my dad to fix while they are here over Christmas. My handylady skills are maxed out for a bit. I am happy to report that all the boys are doing well in school, and they are all obviously exited for the holiday season. This week Owen had a music/art/PE showcase at school and both he and Landon had holiday parties, all of which the parents are invited, and exp...

Re-partnering after loss and divorce requires an immense amount of patience and understanding. He can't fix my pain and I can't fix his. And although we are living together and raising our family together, we are still learning about each other. And discovering new things about ourselves. We aren't the same people we were when we were with our previous spouses. We have a different outlook on life. Some of the ideals and beliefs we had in the past have been abandoned. And new ones have been adopted. All of this transition, both the letting go and embracing the new, can be overwhelming at times. It is also very rewarding.  Dreams died. A person died. Time was stolen. Promises were broken. Families fell apart. Children were left standing in the rubble while their parents were left to pick up the pieces and move forward with their lives. And two people found each other when it may have seemed that all hope was lost. I harbor some guilt about how I was in my previous relati...

Dear Bill, 2 years. It has been 2 years since you were here with us. It feels like much longer than that. I feel like I have lived a thousand lives since I last saw you. I have died a thousand deaths. I hate that you are dead. We all miss you so much. But I am also very happy in my new life. I saw someone today who I haven't seen in several months, so I was updating her on things and she commented, "Isn't it so fucking crazy how all this has happened?" Yes. It is exactly that. Every day I am still in disbelief that this is my life. That this happened to you. Finding love after being widowed means that one lives in a state of constant duality, missing the person and the life that was, but also so thankful for what is. David and his kids have been such an incredible blessing to our lives, and I am so in love with him and I cannot believe that I am getting a second chance at all of this. At times I catch myself waiting for the other shoe to drop, which I know I sho...

Dear Bill, Remember those lilacs I planted along the side of our property a few years ago that you thought would get, "too big and out of control"?? Well, they are blooming now and they look really pretty. I hope you can see them. Blake has started mountain biking. I have bought him 2 mountain bikes in the last year, because he grew so fast. His feet are just about the size of mine and he wears some of your old cycling socks. He turns eleven in 3 days, will be going into middle school in the fall and he has a phone now. We are in full pre-pubescent swing over here. Landon is playing baseball, much to my dismay. He has fun out there and enjoys being a member of a team, but sitting through two hours of kid pitch games is a bit like watching paint dry. Every now and then someone actually hits the ball and a good play is made, so there is a sprinkling of actual baseball thrown in. He has been pitching and it is just the most precious thing to watch. He has surprised me with...

We got home from skiing around 4pm. After not helping at all to unload the car, the kids were all asking for a snack. I told them "no," as we had JUST stopped at the bakery and gotten them all a sizable treat. "No one needs to eat anything until dinner." "OK," they all said, and they went to the basement to watch a movie. I went downstairs after a few minutes, and lo and behold they were getting snacks out of the pantry down there. It was about this time I also happened to notice that one of the pillows on the couch was ripped. The aftermath of the pillow fight they were having with their friends, that I had specifically asked them to refrain from, a few days prior. A picture frame was also broken during that same pillow fight. I realize that neither a torn pillow nor a broken picture frame are a big deal, but I cannot count all of the things that have been broken in this house when their friends are over and they are all roughhousing. It's frustr...