Chasing My Blessings

Dear Bill, Some people dream of fame and fortune. Some want to spend their lives climbing the corporate ladder. Some dream of traveling to far away lands. Others want to be the best at their sport. I just wanted a family. You and the kids were my dream. I picked up your belongings from the state patrol recently. Everything that you were wearing that day, came home with me in a box. It was heartbreaking to go through it all. Why do I torture myself like this? Because I regret the fact that I wasn't there with you at the end. I hate that they wouldn't let me see you and I wish I would have fought harder to do so. Because I didn't get to say goodbye. Because I had poured my life into you. Because you were my person and I was yours. This loneliness is enough to make a person crazy. I know that I need to learn to be comfortable being alone, but I don't want to. That isn't how I want to live my live. I miss being in a partnership. It's pretty incr...

It's been a little over 17 months. We have all come a long way. Our hearts are healing. We have made new memories. We have vacationed. We have made new friends. We have met new challenges and worked through them. There is a new man in my life. A really wonderful man, who I am certain Bill would have really liked. We are moving forward into a new life without him. One that he will never physically be a part of. I am very grateful for the life that I have and I have found happiness again, but I am also mourning the life that we would have had with Bill here. I frequently find myself rejoicing in things that happen to us, but at the same time feeling sorrowful that Bill isn't there to experience them with us. I have accepted that this is likely how it will be for the rest of my life. We will always miss him. We will always love him. What happened to him will always haunt me. The second year is hard. In nearly every grief book I read this was addressed, but I failed to se...