Chasing My Blessings

It's been a year. I have made it no secret that the past month has been difficult. My birthday, Father's day, the year marking of Bill's death and our wedding anniversary are all within a ten day span. While I am certainly allowed to have ups and downs in my grief, I also realize it is hard for those around me to watch.  There is a glass house that comes to those who grieve a loss this big. All along I have been marveled at for my strength and bravery. But I have also been very sad and scared and lonely. A year later I am still having episodes of total devastation and breakdown. I cannot be a beacon of light all the time. I am not a phoenix rising up from the ashes of this horrible storm. I cannot demonstrate inspirational resilience all the time. I am allowed to be weak. To be human. No one person should ever have to shoulder this burden and there are no set instructions on how to navigate this storm. We all have to follow our own path. Grief is not some neat ...

Dear Bill, It's Father's Day. Our first one without you. I struggle every single day knowing you aren't here to parent these children with me. I struggle knowing that I will never be able to give them everything you would have. I cannot give you back to them and that is what upsets me the most. The kids are too young to realize what they will be missing out on without you here, which is heartbreaking in and of itself. While I don't know the details of what would have been, I do know their lives would have been enriched in countless ways with you here to father them. And I also know that you would have done anything possible to be here raising them if you were given the chance. Your fatherhood was cut short by someone with very messed up priorities, and that isn't fair. But that's the way it is. You were denied so much, and so were the kids. My grief has many layers and it has become as much a part of me as another other physical part of my body. I am learnin...

I am dating. And I am in love with a dead man. It's as complicated as it sounds. And yet, it isn't. We met a few months ago after we were introduced by mutual friends. He is smart and kind and funny and so very patient with me. I was immediately charmed by his beautiful blue eyes and warm smile. He is so easy to be with that in some ways I feel like I have known him forever. I went into this expecting exactly zero. I knew he would be there that night, but was certain that nothing would come of it. I am a widow. With three young kids. Not exactly something most guys are willing to take on. Apparently that wasn't as big of a deterrent as I thought because he asked for my number and after speaking on the phone a few times that week, he asked me to go hiking. I cannot possibly describe the range of emotions I felt, and still feel on some level, that first date. And I was so worried that if people knew I was dating they would think I was over what had happened to Bill a...