Chasing My Blessings

It has been a little over three years since he was taken from us. With no explanation other than what we can deduce was an act resulting from a very selfish and entitled lifestyle. I never imagined I would make it this far. I didn't think I would make it even three days. But here we are. After Bill died, I promised myself and my children that I would not live a life of misery. And so far, I have kept that promise. I will not relive the horrific details of his death, or what those final moments must have been like for him. I will not carry around the agony and indescribable sadness I felt those first few months. Nor will I let the immeasurable grief take over my every existence. I go there sometimes, but I will not live there. The boys and I have experienced a tremendous amount of growth these past three years. We have allowed our hearts to expand in ways we could have never imagined. Allowing so much more love to flow, but also putting ourselves at risk for more heartache, as grie...

I went to the bank a few days ago to deposit a refund check from the US Treasury. When I filed my 2016 taxes, the government had told me that I underpaid, and now they have decided that I overpaid. Because Bill died half way through 2016, I was required to file as a married couple that year, so any correspondence from the government regarding that year's taxes has always been sent or made out to "Brianne and William B deceased Davis." That mail is always super fun to open. It would be great if they would stop sending him things and making checks out to him, when they are aware that he is dead. At any rate, I took the check in to the bank and the teller took one look at it after she saw my signature and said, "William needs to sign this also." Really? Does he? How do you want to handle this lady? Because I have about had enough of the incessant paperwork, the mind numbing phone calls with businesses who act like it's completely unusual when one of their c...

Dear Bill- Blake got braces. And I cried. Right there in the orthodontist's waiting room. Another milestone without you. His feet are now the same size as mine and he has now successfully navigated his way through his first year of middle school, making the honor roll both semesters and was also honored with a student character award. He turned 12 last month and has voiced that he wants to get contacts at his next eye exam in the fall. I can hardly believe how grown up he is getting. He ran track this spring and is doing a junior golf program this summer and will also babysitting his brothers some. He's a great kid and you would be so proud of him. Landon is playing lacrosse instead of baseball this spring and he is really enjoying it. It goes without saying that it is much more enjoyable to watch, but I think more than anything I love seeing him get out of his comfort zone and trying new things. The aggression that lacrosse requires does not come easily to him, but if some...

Dear Bill, Yesterday was your birthday. You would be 38, which to me feels a lot older than it should. I guess that comes with the territory. We ate tacos and the boys and I made a peanut butter cake in your honor. I broke two toes this past weekend and I flooded our kitchen the previous week while replacing the filter for our reverse osmosis system. My dad got a very panicked phone call from a very wet me. I got it figured out, and I am confident in myself enough to do it correctly next time so I won't be buying additional flood insurance. We had a door break off one of the cabinet hinges and I think I will save that for my dad to fix while they are here over Christmas. My handylady skills are maxed out for a bit. I am happy to report that all the boys are doing well in school, and they are all obviously exited for the holiday season. This week Owen had a music/art/PE showcase at school and both he and Landon had holiday parties, all of which the parents are invited, and exp...

Re-partnering after loss and divorce requires an immense amount of patience and understanding. He can't fix my pain and I can't fix his. And although we are living together and raising our family together, we are still learning about each other. And discovering new things about ourselves. We aren't the same people we were when we were with our previous spouses. We have a different outlook on life. Some of the ideals and beliefs we had in the past have been abandoned. And new ones have been adopted. All of this transition, both the letting go and embracing the new, can be overwhelming at times. It is also very rewarding.  Dreams died. A person died. Time was stolen. Promises were broken. Families fell apart. Children were left standing in the rubble while their parents were left to pick up the pieces and move forward with their lives. And two people found each other when it may have seemed that all hope was lost. I harbor some guilt about how I was in my previous relati...

Dear Bill, 2 years. It has been 2 years since you were here with us. It feels like much longer than that. I feel like I have lived a thousand lives since I last saw you. I have died a thousand deaths. I hate that you are dead. We all miss you so much. But I am also very happy in my new life. I saw someone today who I haven't seen in several months, so I was updating her on things and she commented, "Isn't it so fucking crazy how all this has happened?" Yes. It is exactly that. Every day I am still in disbelief that this is my life. That this happened to you. Finding love after being widowed means that one lives in a state of constant duality, missing the person and the life that was, but also so thankful for what is. David and his kids have been such an incredible blessing to our lives, and I am so in love with him and I cannot believe that I am getting a second chance at all of this. At times I catch myself waiting for the other shoe to drop, which I know I sho...

Dear Bill, Remember those lilacs I planted along the side of our property a few years ago that you thought would get, "too big and out of control"?? Well, they are blooming now and they look really pretty. I hope you can see them. Blake has started mountain biking. I have bought him 2 mountain bikes in the last year, because he grew so fast. His feet are just about the size of mine and he wears some of your old cycling socks. He turns eleven in 3 days, will be going into middle school in the fall and he has a phone now. We are in full pre-pubescent swing over here. Landon is playing baseball, much to my dismay. He has fun out there and enjoys being a member of a team, but sitting through two hours of kid pitch games is a bit like watching paint dry. Every now and then someone actually hits the ball and a good play is made, so there is a sprinkling of actual baseball thrown in. He has been pitching and it is just the most precious thing to watch. He has surprised me with...