Chasing My Blessings

Dear Bill, Remember those lilacs I planted along the side of our property a few years ago that you thought would get, "too big and out of control"?? Well, they are blooming now and they look really pretty. I hope you can see them. Blake has started mountain biking. I have bought him 2 mountain bikes in the last year, because he grew so fast. His feet are just about the size of mine and he wears some of your old cycling socks. He turns eleven in 3 days, will be going into middle school in the fall and he has a phone now. We are in full pre-pubescent swing over here. Landon is playing baseball, much to my dismay. He has fun out there and enjoys being a member of a team, but sitting through two hours of kid pitch games is a bit like watching paint dry. Every now and then someone actually hits the ball and a good play is made, so there is a sprinkling of actual baseball thrown in. He has been pitching and it is just the most precious thing to watch. He has surprised me with...

We got home from skiing around 4pm. After not helping at all to unload the car, the kids were all asking for a snack. I told them "no," as we had JUST stopped at the bakery and gotten them all a sizable treat. "No one needs to eat anything until dinner." "OK," they all said, and they went to the basement to watch a movie. I went downstairs after a few minutes, and lo and behold they were getting snacks out of the pantry down there. It was about this time I also happened to notice that one of the pillows on the couch was ripped. The aftermath of the pillow fight they were having with their friends, that I had specifically asked them to refrain from, a few days prior. A picture frame was also broken during that same pillow fight. I realize that neither a torn pillow nor a broken picture frame are a big deal, but I cannot count all of the things that have been broken in this house when their friends are over and they are all roughhousing. It's frustr...

Dear Bill, Some people dream of fame and fortune. Some want to spend their lives climbing the corporate ladder. Some dream of traveling to far away lands. Others want to be the best at their sport. I just wanted a family. You and the kids were my dream. I picked up your belongings from the state patrol recently. Everything that you were wearing that day, came home with me in a box. It was heartbreaking to go through it all. Why do I torture myself like this? Because I regret the fact that I wasn't there with you at the end. I hate that they wouldn't let me see you and I wish I would have fought harder to do so. Because I didn't get to say goodbye. Because I had poured my life into you. Because you were my person and I was yours. This loneliness is enough to make a person crazy. I know that I need to learn to be comfortable being alone, but I don't want to. That isn't how I want to live my live. I miss being in a partnership. It's pretty incr...

It's been a little over 17 months. We have all come a long way. Our hearts are healing. We have made new memories. We have vacationed. We have made new friends. We have met new challenges and worked through them. There is a new man in my life. A really wonderful man, who I am certain Bill would have really liked. We are moving forward into a new life without him. One that he will never physically be a part of. I am very grateful for the life that I have and I have found happiness again, but I am also mourning the life that we would have had with Bill here. I frequently find myself rejoicing in things that happen to us, but at the same time feeling sorrowful that Bill isn't there to experience them with us. I have accepted that this is likely how it will be for the rest of my life. We will always miss him. We will always love him. What happened to him will always haunt me. The second year is hard. In nearly every grief book I read this was addressed, but I failed to se...

I miss Bill to the depths of my soul. Nothing could ever take away or replace the love that I have for him and the life we shared together. Some made say collateral beauty is a term invented by hollywood to sell tickets at the box office, but I am here to tell you that it is a real thing. Through the immense pain and devastation of my husband's shocking death, I have been given some incredible gifts. Gifts that I may have never received had this not happened to us. This tragedy has given birth to an extraordinary sisterhood that I am now a part of.  I am a believer that certain people come in to your life for a reason. Since Bill's death, I have been crawling through the darkness in search of light, and there has been a group of women surrounding me the entire time. These women came to my side, unasked and without hesitation. Some of us were friends before, some of us mere acquaintances, some had never met each other. I can say without a doubt, that I am better and s...

Last night two of the kids needed help with their math. TWO KIDS. NEEDED HELP.  WITH MATH. I hate math. It has never been my strong point. Bill, of course, was a math genius. I was trying to make dinner, deal with my whining 4-year-old, and help the two of them all at once. Naturally I started crying. This is total bullshit,  I thought. He should be here, doing this with them. He was so much smarter than I am. Math, among other things, was definitely his wheelhouse. This is so unfair.  After I made dinner I managed to pull myself together and figure out how to teach long division AND measurement conversions. Thanks YouTube. A couple days ago I was working on Owen's baby book, which I swore I would have finished by his fifth birthday and I have exactly three weeks to make good on that. Needless to say this little activity was torturous and should have been paired with a bottle of wine. Off to the liquor store I go. Kidding. Sort of. Blake's cyclocross coa...

Dear Bill, In case you were wondering how things were going lately, I will fill you in. Blake is learning cursive at school, so I have to remember how to do that again which is super fun and not at all frustrating since I have the worst penmanship ever. Luckily he did not take after me in the writing department so he doesn't require a lot of help there. Another bonus for me... his teacher said that she rarely sends home math homework. Reason being is that if the students are having trouble with it in class, she doesn't want them going home and either risk getting too much help or (and this is the category I would fall into) having the person at home who is helping them actually not know the correct way to do it either. Fantastic. I am in awe of how grown up he is. He is such a sweet boy and he makes me so proud. In 5th grade they have to chose an instrument to play for either band or orchestra. Blake chose the violin. I introduced him to your personal favorite, “Th...