Chasing My Blessings

Sentencing was yesterday. This is the impact statement I read in court.... June 26, 2016 should have been mine and my husband’s 12th wedding anniversary. Instead of celebrating, I spent the day planning my husband’s funeral and explaining to my children that their daddy had been killed and was now in heaven. The evening before, he had done something he had done nearly every day of his adult life. He went out for a bike ride. The only difference this time, was that he didn’t get to come back home. My children and I have been walking through hell for the past eleven months. I have been through intense trauma therapy for PTSD. My children are also in therapy. We are crippled with grief, fear, and anxiety. Callie has stolen our sense of trust and security in this world. Our family and friends have been completely devastated by the loss of this man. The pain and trauma that we have all been put through has been unimaginable. Never again will we hear his infectious laugh or see his br...

Today is Mother's day. My first one as a widowed parent. Thus far, my children have not acknowledged it. And you know what? That's OK. It isn't their fault there father isn't here to remind them to wish me a "Happy Mother's Day." Or to help them secretly prepare some craft for me or go shopping for me. And I am certainly not going to make them feel guilty for not realizing what today is. They are little boys. My friends tried to help by taking them shopping and reminding them yesterday to give me the gifts they both bought and things they made at school. Those things remain hidden in their rooms somewhere while my children run through the house in their Halloween costumes, giggling with the dog on their heels. Honestly, the gifts and the attention are not important. And while I know my friends and family have their hearts in the right place by trying to help the boys celebrate me, it still stings a little. It is yet another reminder that their father is...

I believe in second chances. I believe that while life can take away something wonderful and amazing, it can give you something just as beautiful and extraordinary in return, but you have to be willing to look for it. I also believe that in order to fully appreciate what we have been given in this life, we have to love and respect ourselves and to have the courage to know that we are not in control here. I believe that when tragedy strikes, those that have fallen its victim have a view on the world that no one else has. I love harder, smile bigger, and live fuller because my eyes have been opened to the unimaginable. I no longer let fear get in the way of my dreams. This is not to say that I'm not afraid. I am. When I find something great, I fight that much harder to keep it, because I know what it is like to lose it. What scares me now is losing what is truly precious. Not taking the chance to say what I am feeling. Not letting others know how much I love and appreciate them. Not ...

For a long time my life felt like an endless sea of darkness. I was struggling to keep my head above water. Struggling to not inhale too much water while my arms flailed around me. Struggling while so many people sat, calmly, in ships surrounding me. Watching me while quietly encouraging me to go on. The voices are louder now and they are cheering for me. My flailing arms have found their stroke and I move with purpose. My breathing is relaxed and rhythmic.  I am tired, but I feel myself getting stronger. I can see the shore. It is still a long way off, but it is visible. The sky is lighter and the clouds are beginning to part. I have hope. Today was Easter. There were some dark moments, but overall we had a good day. He should have been there last night with me, meticulously stuffing and hiding the easter eggs for today's hunt. This morning he should have been obsessing about setting up the camera at just the right spot in the yard to capture the video of the kids finding al...

From March 2016 (forgot to post) I'm not very good at widowhood. I feel equally inadequate in the department of widowed parenting. I am trying, in vain to move forward with our lives, but I feel like all I am really doing is slogging through the muck and darkness, getting nowhere. It's like treading water. For days on end. Trying to use just enough energy to keep my head above the water, but not waste too much energy so I don't get so tired that I drown. How does one remain sane through all of this? The anti-depressants are helping, but they certainly don't change my reality. The kids are constantly pulling me in different directions with their activities, and needs and not to mention their grief. One wants me to read him a book, another needs help with his homework, and another one is trying to tell me about what happened at school My head is spinning while I try to attend to all of this and cook dinner at the same time. Trying desperately not lose my cool and st...

We were in the mudroom. All 5 of us getting ready to leave. The kids and I were going one direction, Bill in another, getting ready to head out for his ride. We stood face to face talking while the kids danced around us scrambling to find their shoes. He was putting his sunblock on. He had done his arms and neck and face and was rubbing it into his ears when he said he would be back by 5 o'clock, 5:15 at the latest. I took one last look at him methodically rubbing his sunblock onto his left ear with his right hand while holding the bottle in his left. He had his white Rally sport jersey on. I told him to have fun and I'd see him later. The kids and I left the house. After our errands, and a quick stop by a neighbor's house so Blake could feed their fish while they were on a camping trip, we arrived home. I showered, fixed my hair, and put my make-up on. At 5 o'clock when he didn't arrive home I didn't get worried. I figured he or one of the other guys had a me...

Shortly after he died I cleaned out most of the drawers in his bathroom. I just needed a release and most of that stuff I had no connection to. I threw away countless tubes of sunblock, various oral care devices (he was prone to cavities and Bill Davis was NOT going to let anything get the best of him, least of all a cavity.) I threw out a random assortment of ointments, chapstick, eye drops, and shaving lotion. But I could not throw out the socks. I bought a new bed, new bedding, a new mattress, and new end tables. I gave all the old stuff away. I could not stand sleeping in our bed any longer. It was too painful. I would toss and turn all night long thinking,  he should be laying right here next to me.  Now I just have a big bed all to myself and while this is incredibly lonely, he never slept here. This is just mine. Well, mine and Ruby's. Now when I lie awake at night I'm thinking about all the stuff I'm doing wrong as a widowed mother, and wondering how I am ever ...