Chasing My Blessings

Sentencing was yesterday. This is the impact statement I read in court.... June 26, 2016 should have been mine and my husband’s 12th wedding anniversary. Instead of celebrating, I spent the day planning my husband’s funeral and explaining to my children that their daddy had been killed and was now in heaven. The evening before, he had done something he had done nearly every day of his adult life. He went out for a bike ride. The only difference this time, was that he didn’t get to come back home. My children and I have been walking through hell for the past eleven months. I have been through intense trauma therapy for PTSD. My children are also in therapy. We are crippled with grief, fear, and anxiety. Callie has stolen our sense of trust and security in this world. Our family and friends have been completely devastated by the loss of this man. The pain and trauma that we have all been put through has been unimaginable. Never again will we hear his infectious laugh or see his br...

Today is Mother's day. My first one as a widowed parent. Thus far, my children have not acknowledged it. And you know what? That's OK. It isn't their fault there father isn't here to remind them to wish me a "Happy Mother's Day." Or to help them secretly prepare some craft for me or go shopping for me. And I am certainly not going to make them feel guilty for not realizing what today is. They are little boys. My friends tried to help by taking them shopping and reminding them yesterday to give me the gifts they both bought and things they made at school. Those things remain hidden in their rooms somewhere while my children run through the house in their Halloween costumes, giggling with the dog on their heels. Honestly, the gifts and the attention are not important. And while I know my friends and family have their hearts in the right place by trying to help the boys celebrate me, it still stings a little. It is yet another reminder that their father is...

I believe in second chances. I believe that while life can take away something wonderful and amazing, it can give you something just as beautiful and extraordinary in return, but you have to be willing to look for it. I also believe that in order to fully appreciate what we have been given in this life, we have to love and respect ourselves and to have the courage to know that we are not in control here. I believe that when tragedy strikes, those that have fallen its victim have a view on the world that no one else has. I love harder, smile bigger, and live fuller because my eyes have been opened to the unimaginable. I no longer let fear get in the way of my dreams. This is not to say that I'm not afraid. I am. When I find something great, I fight that much harder to keep it, because I know what it is like to lose it. What scares me now is losing what is truly precious. Not taking the chance to say what I am feeling. Not letting others know how much I love and appreciate them. Not ...