Chasing My Blessings

For a long time my life felt like an endless sea of darkness. I was struggling to keep my head above water. Struggling to not inhale too much water while my arms flailed around me. Struggling while so many people sat, calmly, in ships surrounding me. Watching me while quietly encouraging me to go on. The voices are louder now and they are cheering for me. My flailing arms have found their stroke and I move with purpose. My breathing is relaxed and rhythmic.  I am tired, but I feel myself getting stronger. I can see the shore. It is still a long way off, but it is visible. The sky is lighter and the clouds are beginning to part. I have hope. Today was Easter. There were some dark moments, but overall we had a good day. He should have been there last night with me, meticulously stuffing and hiding the easter eggs for today's hunt. This morning he should have been obsessing about setting up the camera at just the right spot in the yard to capture the video of the kids finding al...

From March 2016 (forgot to post) I'm not very good at widowhood. I feel equally inadequate in the department of widowed parenting. I am trying, in vain to move forward with our lives, but I feel like all I am really doing is slogging through the muck and darkness, getting nowhere. It's like treading water. For days on end. Trying to use just enough energy to keep my head above the water, but not waste too much energy so I don't get so tired that I drown. How does one remain sane through all of this? The anti-depressants are helping, but they certainly don't change my reality. The kids are constantly pulling me in different directions with their activities, and needs and not to mention their grief. One wants me to read him a book, another needs help with his homework, and another one is trying to tell me about what happened at school My head is spinning while I try to attend to all of this and cook dinner at the same time. Trying desperately not lose my cool and st...