Chasing My Blessings

This is the eulogy I read at Bill's memorial service... I read something the other day that made me laugh, which I’m not doing much of lately. It was something to the effect of, “Wednesday we will lay our friend Bill to rest…” Let me be clear about this, that man is not lying or resting ANYWHERE. He didn’t know how to do that. I can assure you he is tearing up the roads out there somewhere on his bicycle. Thank you all so much for being here today and for your tremendous outpouring of love and support. Bill was so loved and respected by so many people. This has just been the most horrific thing to go through, and it has been so helpful to have all of you rallying around us, getting us through it all. There is a famous Dr. Suess quote that says, “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” Well, I’m trying very hard to do that but it’s been a real struggle. My heart is broken into a million pieces and it’s broken not only for myself and our family, but for all of...

Hate is a really strong word, and I use it very seldom. I don't even let my kids say it because it carries such a strong sentiment. Today I was filled with hate. I hate this. I hate that I am a widow. I hate that this girl chose to spend her day drinking and doing drugs and then got behind the wheel of a car. I hate that she gets to live and Bill had to die. I hate that my husband is now a pile of ashes occupying a box sitting on a shelf in my living room. I hate that I am raising my kids alone. I hate that I have to live without him. I hate that I had to go to the bike shop today and get Blake's new cyclocross bike and other random supplies I know nothing about. I hate that I have to depend on Bill's friends to help me with all this bike stuff. I hate that I have to depend on other people right now. I hate that they all have their own families, all complete with TWO partners. I hate that I see old couples walking down the street holding hands and I will never have that...

We took our first family vacation last week without him, and I managed to get through the week without any major breakdowns. I had been dreading it since the day he died. It was a trip that would also include his parents, his sister and her family, and his brother and his brother's girlfriend. The last time we were all together was right after he died, so there was no telling how it was all going to go down. It was honestly not nearly as bad as I was expecting. Yes, it was hard not having him there, but it was comforting to be around the rest of his family. We spent the week in San Diego, soaking up the sun and sand and all the fun that Lego Land has to offer. The kids had a blast and I guess that is really all that matters. I was anxious to get home, but honestly now that I'm here I'm still anxious. I can't get comfortable no matter where I am. Nothing feels right. Often times I find myself pacing back and forth just looking for something to occupy my mind. I feel li...

The title of this post is a bit misleading. Widowhood is a club that NO ONE wants to join. We are literally thrust here against our own free will. It is completely without benefit, but the longer I'm here, the more I realize it SHOULD have perks. Big ones. These are a few of the things I think should be bestowed upon all of us, as soon as we become members. Chauffeur service  - No widow or widower should be expected, or even allowed, to drive themselves anywhere for at least the first three months. We are so consumed and preoccupied with our grief that there is no way we can possibly devote our full attention to operating a vehicle safely. In many cases, such as my own, we are responsible for young children, which makes this even less safe. These wonderful creatures, when placed in the restraints of a carseat or seatbelt, often become more loud and obnoxious than usual, which does nothing for our already lacking ability to focus on the road. For those of us who are caring for you...